I think I accidently drank decaf this morning. I drank from the unmarked decanter, three hours later noticed the red "regular" sticker. Don't people know you always mark the decaf. Always. So it's going to be that sort of day, is it. I mean isn't it.

I have a feeling that this new coffee service is going to taste like hospital coffee. It smells like hospital coffee.
This morning I half awoke to dreaming lucid about the death of cbgb and five hundred hot air balloons crashing over the arizona desert. Channel thirteen action news predicts! It stormed this weekend. It never storms here. It was full blown too, the lightning here is severe. I watched a lot of television on dvd. Saying "I am going to take a shower and by the time I get out you will be gone" does not work in real life. Oh how I wished that worked in real life.
Speaking of super powers, have you ever seen Stephen Merritt and Slash in the same room at the same time? No, and you won't. Because Slash is actually the action hero version of Stephen Merritt. Or the other way around. Definitely one or the other.
In an alternate universe, MSTRKRFT is known as AEAA.

Yes, this coffee definitely tastes like hospital coffee.

But I'll tell you what. If you want to use my likeness for a Hamburglar-type character, I'll sign off on that. 'Mr. Banana Grabber' or something...
I mean, I guess it would just be a guy who you know, grabs bananas and runs. Or, um, a banana that grabs things. I don't know why. Why would a banana grab another banana? I mean, those are the kind of questions I don't want to answer.

The internets are boring today.

I just ordered this couch/futon from the urban outfitters furniture department:



hooray for couch! I hate making big purchases. I mean five hundred is not much for a couch, I keep telling myself this, but I like instant gratification and waiting several weeks for delivery is not cutting it.

This morning I was having a specific craving for the iced coffee at San Francisco coffee on north highland, the coffee I used to get before work almost every morning during the Atlanta working days. I have a lot of Atlanta-specific food cravings- the fish and veggie tacos at the taq, the corn quesadillas at la fonda. White pizza from Fellini's, everything at eatzi's, etc. etc. Las Vegas, you are just not cutting it either.
I guess no LA this weekend? What the hell I-15, it's just shut down?
Why did my car insurance go up fifteen dollars a month?
Which credit card bill is not getting paid this month?
My goal in life is to have more answers than questions, this is logical right. I mean, right?

I had to force the starlight mints onto my itunes, because shuffle does nothing for them.

A cooking segment with Jane Fonda and Gloria Steinam? Oh Stephen Colbert, you are too fucking brilliant for me.

Gloria and Jane's Apple Pie:

-Apples
-Cinnamon
-Dough
-Feminists

Start women's radio network, kiss the cook, place apples in crust, ice cream three way, more cinnamon, pretend to bake at 350 degrees for thirty minutes. Serves three.

I really like the idea of a "Captain Thanksgiving".

At what point in his career did Dustin Hoffman have luxurious, over-coiffed Patrick Dempsey hair?

ps. this is not a riddle it is a legitimate question.

The first being to travel to outer space was a female part-Samoyed terrier originally named Kudryavka (Little Curly) but later renamed Laika (Barker). She weighed about 6 kg. The pressurized cabin on Sputnik 2 allowed enough room for her to lie down or stand and was padded. An air regeneration system provided oxygen; food and water were dispensed in a gelatinized form. Laika was fitted with a harness, a bag to collect waste, and electrodes to monitor vital signs. The early telemetry indicated Laika was agitated but eating her food. There was no capability of returning a payload safely to Earth at this time, so it was planned that Laika would run out of oxygen after about 10 days of orbiting the Earth. Because of the thermal problems she probably only survived a day or two. The mission provided scientists with the first data on the behavior of a living organism in the space environment.

I just watched "Manderlay", part two of Lars Von Trier's love song to the depression-era american south. I can't say that I recommend it, not the way I recommended dogville about three years ago on this very blog. It didn't have nicole kidman in it, instead opting for some chick who looked creepily like molly ringwald. Oh and another thing, there are no dust storms in alabama, I don't know why that bothered me but it did. And I felt like there was an unclear lesson being screamed in our faces.
Or maybe it was just a little too "von triersian". I like Brecht just as much as the next guy but around hour three it starts to feel like some college experimental theater project that you want to throw milkduds at. Let's not take ourselves too seriously ok.


Oh and on an entirely different note, Stephen Colbert appears to be on some sort of intellectual property theivery jag.

UPDATE!

Me and Erin are going to be Ab Fab for halloween. Because let's face it, we're already there.

no but seriously, what am i going to be for halloween. i don't think i can be the entire cast of lost, which is what i want.

oh hell yes.



who else is jamming with me right now...beck cd release days have always been the best days.

ok this is my favorite thing today, besides the awesomely easy review I just had:

it's from an old scientology handbook and maybe you guys have already seen it because its been on the internets for awhile. if not, here's another glimpse into 70's scientology know-how:



maybe i should be that guy for halloween. the one with the giant paper mache lightening bolt.

Vegas!

Well. The check engine and check gear box lights are both on in my car, suddenly and together. I'm getting it checked tomorrow morning, and it still drives but there's something about impending car troubles that make me anxious like nothing else. Fucking saab, I can't decide if I want to sell it or pay it off and drive it into the ground.

it counts as content

here is something that will probably haunt your dreams in the night:

ps. i don't actually like sting

If I have to do yoga one more time to that "Just Breathe" song I am going to "Just Punch Someone". The teachers at 24 hour fitness must have some kind of contractual obligation to use that song as much as humanly possible. I'm trying to do yoga, not feel like I am in the pivotal part of a one hour television drama. Now c'mon. The sting cd is sitting right there. You know you wanna.

Yesterday I had one of those lost days (not a day watching the show lost, a day that didn't feel as complete as a day should), getting out of bed just long enough to take the overflowing garbage out and setting the television to fox so I could watch "Family Guy"...Red Dawn...red dawn...Hey, if you guys have any trouble sleeping, just turn on that show Brothers and Sisters. That did the trick for me.
This morning I idiot-ically realized I left my laptop at home after driving the thirty minutes to work. It took me another hour to retrieve it. On the way I listened to NPR (so if anyone asked, it was research, that's "research" you guys) and learned that not only is tattoo ink not regulated by the food and drug administration, it also probably contains carcinogens. And also, don't buy a house in Nevada or Georgia. Or if you do, get a fixed-rate mortgage. People are getting screwed on those other kinds. Something about interest rates.
I am a decanter of knowledge. A wellspring, even.

livejournal is like bizarro-land sometimes

dehumidifier (6:27:02 PM): why does everyone in the greys anatomy lj community hate meredith
_stadtkind_ (6:27:05 PM): i dont!
_stadtkind_ (6:27:07 PM): i kinda love her
_stadtkind_ (6:27:09 PM): you know this
_stadtkind_ (6:27:20 PM): she's kinda my ideal woman
_stadtkind_ (6:27:23 PM): 10 pounds
_stadtkind_ (6:27:25 PM): and sketchy
dehumidifier (6:27:49 PM): that sounds like my ideal drug score

And also I am a highly quotable genius.

The best ponderence I have read so far this morning comes directly from the oceanchum blog-what would happen if i applied head-on directly to another part of my body?

I imagine the results would be feeding-gizmo-after-midnight bad. I mean there has to be a reason they say APPLY DIRECTLY TO THE FOREHEAD 80 times in the commercial. That's lawsuit prevention right there, folks.

Last night I went to a going away party to which the person going away never showed up. It was beyond rude on his part, but I can't say I was angry or anything because it did give me the opportunity to watch The Biggest Loser with an actual contestant who was on the show. And also, to eat fried cheese sticks while watching The Biggest Loser with an actual contestant from the show. Aah, vegas you never fail to amaze me you wacky city you.
After two thirteen hour work days I figured ok I am going to sleep in another fifteen minutes this morning. I called erin from the interstate and she answered the phone with "oh shit you just woke me up." Punctuality= not our team's forte. Our team's forte lies somewhere closer to the land of cute hair and sarcasm. Tonight I plan to work out like nuts and then watch television. Normal nights! I love them.
My debit card has not yet come in the mail. I have five dollars left in my wallet, four of which are going to cigarettes.

BB friday night usual nonsense, completely wasted (dude, wasted. dude.) plus I left my wallet there only to find it the next day after having canceled all my credit cards. All I did for the rest of the weekend was nurse a hangover while watching tv on dvd. It infected my dreams. Here are some pictures:

this guy had an ascot and a vanity cane. next week i shall one-up him with a vanity rascal and respirator.


i don't know any of the people in this picture.

oh and here is the cake I made erin last weekend for her b-day:

Beautiful day, sunny and in the 80's, only a mild fire advisory (don't start one because it will spread like, um, wildfire) and only one deadly-car-crash-due-to-street-racing-where-the-car-jumps-the-median-slams-into-a-cop-undercover-as-a-taxi-driver-splitting-the-car-into-and-each-half-ends-up-on-a-different-side-of-the-street, meaning only one street closing.

I should go to Butch Walker tonight and pretend that I care, like and and I did that one time outside of el myr, but I don't think I want to pay for all that. Maybe I will go to the "official afterparty" at the Beauty Bar. (Don't be fooled by other afterparties my friends.)

my new workout plan

I am going to fill my ipod shuffle with Tom Petty's "Running down a dream" so that next time I am on a treadmill I will be set. Because I pretty much run in place every time that song comes on. Maybe I will alternate that song and "Chariots of Fire", even though I have doubts about my ability to actually run in slow-motion.

I know it's only Thursday, but here is what I plan on doing this weekend between being hungover and probably working some too:



And you know what, I don't care how stupid-girly it is. Because ever since I went off birth control my female hormones have been in a tailspin and manifesting itself in this being my new favorite show ever. As I said, tv on dvd is god's greatest gift to sundays. Well, that and thai food and pudding cups.

Hey everyone let's make ourselves into Simpsons characters! Click here to do that.

Every time a character in a movie works at an advertising agency there is always some big campaign pitch that they are involved in, and they are always involved in it no matter what department they work in. Anyways, they always come up with one great big idea and either THAT'S IT THEY SOLVED IT or it fails miserably. Either way they are only expected to come up with one idea. Those people are so lucky. FUCK YOU FICTIONAL CHARACTERS it's actually more like eight.

It's possible that I am only attracted to guys who are already in relationships on some kind of unconcious level. That being said, here is a completely unrelated blog entry:
Earlier I watched Federer defeat Roddick for the US Open title, he is probably the best tennis player in the history of tennis. If not now, in a few titles. He is un-stop-a-ble, like Jal's stopsign-shaped picture frame. Which never did make much sense. (I don't have anything insightful to say about tennis.) During the trophy ceremony Banjo was running around the chairs, under the coffee table and doing wild sprints back and forth across the designated dining portion of our living room. He has had a taste of relative sweet freedom.
I already went running today but I kind of want to go back to the gym. I would like to lose ten pounds immediately please. Oh cool a new Simpsons. This entry is being brought to you in real time. I am going to go get some limeaide. I got some limeaide, awesome.
I just saw a commercial advising me to "find out how meth affects you".

Banjo! The pictures!







and here's some cage flare (protector sea creature):

So there's a group of religious zealots holed up in a church in North Las Vegas because they are convinced that the apocalypse is coming. Like, today. Or tomorrow. Or at some point in the near future, because they say they aren't leaving until it comes. It's kind of awesome because one of the weathermen this morning predicted "dark skies, pestilence and locusts- haha no I'm kidding it's only the dark skies part". Apparently no one will ask them to leave their church bunker but they do run the risk of ridicule on channel 13 action news. (Who won't provide an online link for me to include in this entry.)

The apocalypse kind of looks like it's going to rock, especially if you are really into the ren faire or magic the gathering.

Last night at Quarks, the star trek theme bar:

Bartender: Is that watch in binary code? That's really dorky.
Erin: Seriously? Because you're a bartender at a star trek bar.

Guinea Pig Names, the short list:

Jim Dandy
The Professor
CK Dexter Haven
Nectarine
Commodore
John MacEnroe
Banjo
The Falconer
Flip Spiceland
Starcrunch
Senator
Batman
Sandy Duncan
Mexicali Grill

If you guys have any other suggestions, let me know.

FALL FALL FALL HEY GUYS ITS FALL ok not officially but it is September which- in my head anyways- is the beginning of fall. Even though it's still 100 degrees outside, it's freakin' fall, which is by far my favorite season. And to usher it in, I have thrown together a FALL MIX CD, which I will post here as a giant zip file ready for you to download.

FALL MIX O'SIX

Tracklist, though again I don't know what order it will upload in:

1. Starlite Mints- Pumpkin
2. The Flaming Lips- My Cosmic Autumn Rebellion
3. Snoozer- Labor Day. I have no idea who this band is- I downloaded this song from a site that sells clothing.
4. Tom Vek- Summer Fall
5. David Bowie- Chilly Down. It's the song from Labyrinth that everyone forgets about, but is so much fun.
6. Britta Phillips and Dean Wareham- Indian Summer. Not the best song from the album, but the only one remotely related to fall.
7. The Decemberits- The Sporting Life. The Decemberists just seem like a fall kind of band to me.
8. Hank Williams, Jr.- Are You Ready For Some Football (ABC's Monday Night Football Theme). Well, are you?
9. The White Stripes- Dead Leaves and the Dirty Ground. I know you all have this song already. This is the super duper fall version. It's exactly the same.
10. Unwound- October All Over
11. Beck- Atmospheric Conditions
12. R.E.M.- Carnival of Sorts (Box Cars). Another fall band.
13. Of Montreal- October is Eternal
14. The Fat Boys- Are You Ready For Freddy? If you're not ready for football, at least be ready for Freddy. Find out how at www.ready.gov- oh, and Freddy raps in this song.
15. The Beetlejuice Soundtrack- Jump In The Line.
16. Wyclef Jean- Gone Til November. Aah, pre-Shakira Wyclef.
17. Telex- Sigmund Freud's Party. I have no idea why I threw this one in. There is tap-dancing in it.
18. Guns N' Roses- November Rain. All nine minutes.
19. Morrissey- November Spawned a Monster
20. Klaus Nomi- After the Fall. Which I don't think is actually about fall.


whats up, fall

Last night: The Secret Machines blinded me at the Palms Pool. Srsly guys, let's keep the lighting on the band and not shoot it out into the spectators' eyes. The weather was nice, the drinks were overpriced, the fashion show was a complete joke. All the pretty people were from LA. On the way home I saw one of my favorite muscle cars ever, the IROC:

All that shit needs is a screaming chicken and it would rock so hard, it would change the physical property of things around it.

I am really really sick of seeing those commercials for companies that in some fashion or another, helped out during Hurricane Katrina. Hey, hey look. Look at all these people we helped, we are a caring company buy our product. Especially insurance companies. Oh really State Farm? You gave people insurance checks to people who had flood insurance after their house flooded? That's not benevolent THATS YOUR FUCKING JOB.
I should go into publishing. But then I wouldn't get to be wacky.

I am thinking about getting a guinea pig, but all my plants are dead. So it worries me.

Here is a picture of a guinea pig:

I would have to name that one "the donald".

I'm waiting for the soy chicken to cool in the fridge, it's halfway through the fake chicken salad process. Everything is a process, everything is such a fucking process. My arms feel like spaghetti from weights at the gym, though I wonder if this strength training is even getting me anywhere- a future in discus and/or anvil hurling is looking rather grim. At this point, anyways. Last night I forwent the Killers afterparty (after what? after a show I didn't attend, either) in favor of not paying ten dollars to watch a Killer fumble awkwardly about a turntable or two. In favor of not seeing that bald go go dancing dude suddenly occupy an impressive amount of dancefloor. Instead I made a Pimms cup with fresh limeade, I made two actually. I'm going to start on Swann's Way soon. Tonight is the Japanther show. The sun is setting earlier, I wonder if anyone even notices.
There are rumors that next week the temperatures will drop back into the double digits

Young Jeezasaurus

"Pluto made the front cover of the las vegas paper- it has a giant 'just say no' sign around it. They also described pluto as the 'pipsqueak planet'"
"Everyone's favorite is saturn."
"Well it's the only one you can draw with a pencil and everyone knows exactly which planet it is."
"A producer i work with was like, 'my favorite is neptune. who likes neptune? no one! there's saturn of course. and uranus because it's big. what's neptune? it's not red, it's nothin!'"
"Neptune is blue and mysterious. I like to think of it as pluto's older brother."
"Ooh good way to think of it. I wish there was a planet named Young Jeezy."
"Too bad they don't let you name planets."
"Who do i have to blow to get a planet or a dinosaur named young jeezy around here??"

Did you know that there is no lottery in Nevada? I'll let you think about that one for a second.

I am currently downloading/listening to "Another Green World". The desire to do this came on suddenly and with no real explanation, because I rarely sit and listen to an entire album- it's always shuffle round these parts. You can hear eno building that ill-concieved bridge into ambient, ill-concieved to me anyways- taking tiger mountain is one of my favorite albums of all time. All thyme.
Has everyone taken a shot at my movie quote meme? It took me like an hour this morning to throw it all together, luckily I have less than zero work on my plate right now so that's ok. Still. Everyone should take a shot at it because remembering things is important in the development of the brain, the broab. Now I am just making shit up.
I can't believe Pluto is not a planet anymore. My Very Excited Mother Just Served Us Nine

Nine what. Nothing, that pneumonic device is done for.

I did this movie quote meme primarily for livejournal- I get more audience participation over there, but hell I may as well give you guys a shot too.
GUESS THE MOVIE THAT EACH QUOTE COMES FROM AND WIN AN IMAGINARY PRIZE. Guess it in the comments, you guys- not just aloud to yourself.

1. There you go, hiding behind a smokescreen of bourgeois cliches.

2. Eileen Harriet Palglace will have final say on every known subject, including who should be put to death, what clothes everyone should wear, what movies suck, and whether bald men who grow ponytails should still get laid.

3. Oh no, Dad. It's completely baked.

4. "Were they done for your mother's benefit?" "No, no I wouldn't say 'benefit'."

5. And it was. I was totally fine. I've never even been to Mt. Vesuvius.

6. What characters? There's a bunch of little kids dressed up in animal costumes.

7. I'm not my dear, you can fuck my dear.

8. I already know an awful lot of people and until one of them dies I couldn't possibly meet anyone else.

9. And you can always take off the skirt and use it as a cape.

10. I'm sorry, but I thought I better hit you before he did. He's in better shape than I am.

11. How the hell do I know why there were Nazis? I don't know how the can opener works!

12. The whole purpose of places like Starbucks is for people with no decision-making ability whatsoever to make six decisions just to buy one cup of coffee.

13. I've seen The Exorcist about a hundred and sixty-seven times, and it keeps getting funnier every single time I see it.

14. Jazz is the last refuge of the untalented. Jazz musicians enjoy themselves more than anyone listening to them does.

15. Failure is not an option. And Bethany? If you feel the need to vomit up there, just swallow it.

16. I'm standing where my, uh, living room was and it's not here because my house is gone and it's an Ultimart!

17. It's so stimulating being your hat.

18. Gee, I wish we had one of them doomsday machines.

19. I've been very lonely in my isolated tower of indecipherable speech.

20. It's nice to live in a country where life, liberty... and all the rest of it still stand for something.

Look at my new bag I bought at Target:

Apparently it's only available at certain targets and is already going for like $100 on ebay. I bought it for $35 but if I had known it was worth so much I might have bought the other one too.

investments!

this patton oswalt cd is the funniest thing ever. i look like a gay wizard right now in my enchanted toadstool!

look around you...just look around you...

(this is probably the best thing I have seen on youtube in awhile)

MOVIE REVIEW

Oh man, did I just see Snakes on a Plane or what. I saw the hell out of that movie. I totally just did that.

Yesterday I all I ate were pudding cups. I ate two pudding cups. I fell into the pool, it felt nice, but I was so out of it and I thought maybe the other people at the pool could tell that I was out of it so I only stayed outside for about a half hour. I went back inside and almost finished a book. I watched northern exposure. It's a good show, I had forgotten that it was a good show. I hope it didn't get shitty at the end, like Frasier or the X Files. I never actually watched it while it was on. I am going to the gym. I want to run outside but that's a ridiculous concept in this sort of weather. And thai food, that too. I need to clean- there are two empty pudding cups on my bedside table. Yesterday was a grey gardens sort of day.
I could write about friday night and what gave me the hangover but it's just old familiar vodka tonics and oh I forgot that the guy from jurassic five was djing. I forgot about that. There was some impressive breakdancing. Erin was wondering if breakdancing was a dominant gene. I don't think babies pop-lock their way out of a womb.

If anyone can provide me with a link to video footage of cynthia mckinney's recent televised mental breakdown, in which she sings a Pink song into the microphone, I would be greatly appreciative.

yeah.

Last night I decided to paint my fingernails bright fucking red. Today I have put my hair up in tiny buns, hoping it will be wavy when I take them down. As it is I look like some cartoon j-pop rave chick from the early 90's. Somebody pass the plastic clothing, please.
Saturday gym time, saturday pool time, saturday netflix time, today it was Soylent Green and I bet it would have been better if I did not already know that SOYLENT GREEN WAS PEOPLE PEOPLE PEOPLE POPSICLES. I do like that they called the prostitutes (kept women?) "furniture". 2022 is going to be such a great year I can feel it all the way from here.
Later there's an expensive birthday party starring that band The Subways but right now I am going to go see what Target can do for me. I have to take down this hairdo first.