From Late Night With Conan O' Brien...

"So I got us new song. I got us a really good song."

Girl, you must be from another time one where awesomeness was not confined
'cause awesomeness is awesome, baby
But not like you
you're so awesome I say yeah
How'd you get so awesome, baby?
From drinking lots of awesome juice?
The awesome juice has worked, hooray
awesomeness ooh-ooh

"Basically, it's the word "awesome." I counted like 23 times, and-"

"28."

"28 awesomes."

"Yeah, I think it's a lot."

"'Awesome' is, like, the word kids use today. I actually went to a mall yesterday. And hung around for about two hours, until I got asked to leave. And I heard the word "awesome" so many times. Like, kids- this is what kids say. They're also swearing a lot, but- You know, we can't do that. That's not gonna get play. I heard a lot of- like, I heard [ Bleep ] A lot. This, [ Bleep ] That. But I swear to god, the second word I heard the most- third word. I heard, "you [ Bleep ]." I heard that a lot. And then the third word I heard a lot was "awesome." Kids say "awesome" all the time. Trust me- I know what I'm doing.
You are bad boys, all right?
You've been sent to prison.
You've been sent to prison for mail fraud.
You're in here for tax evasion.
You killed a cat.
You ate a tomato that didn't belong to you.
And you're just- you're just a creep. And they put you in prison.
All right? That's your motivation. The only studio that we could afford already had a few sets in it, for some reason. So basically, we were forced to incorporate those sets into the video. Here's the idea- you've been in prison so long, you don't know what kind of music they're listening to outside anymore. You think they're listening to old ragtime, so it's like-"

how'd you get so awesome, baby?
Hey, there little awesome girl

"Come on. Let's go, dudez. All right. Here's the deal. You guys are at the bottom of the deep blue sea in this sequence. All right?"

Swim swimmin' and the fishy go by
swim swimmin' then the fishy go by

"We'll create the illusion that -- what? What was that?

"I thought that was cool."

"I'm not gay! Is that what you said? I'm not. You're wrong...Okay, well, the good news is we've got our space backdrop. And we've got a spaceman and alien. Little bit of a glitch. These are the only space costumes that we've got. But I think we can make do with these other costumes. And these are great. You're now superman, a doctor and richard nixon."

"You're going-
ha ha
I want you to be going like-
ho ha
I want you to be going like-
uh huh
and I want you to be going like-
a shimma shimma shimma
And I want you to be going like-
nyah ha say ba ooh ooh
Hey!"

A shimma shi-I-mma shim
a shimma shi-imma shim
a shimma shimma shim
a shimma shimma shim
a shim
shim
shebapbap
shebapbap
yep yep yep
yep yep yep
shimma shimma shim
shimma shimma shim

"This'll be the space egg. So, space alien, you are guarding the space egg with your life, okay? We got this. A giant toothbrush. Okay? So you're now a space dentist, all right? Donk I is -- it's a space donkey. It's a symbol of what party?"

"Democrats."

"Democrats- richard nixon was a republican. So you be like mad at the space donkey. I want you to partner up right here, if you would. Huh? Would you come this way? Right over here. Right this way, young lady. Very nice. And you will be with superman, right here. Nice. How many dudez are there? How many dudez a plenti? What is it?"

"Five."

"There are five?"

"Five."

"Okay, my bad. I thought it was four. Sorry."



One time
I should not have eaten that tomato
girl, you must be from another time one where awesomeness was not confi-I-eded
to awesome things like I and them
even awesomeness itself does not compare
'cause awesomeness
a awesome, baby not like you
you're so awesome I say yeah, baby, ooh
how'd you get so awesome, baby?
Drinking lots of awesome juice
the awesome juice has worked, hooray
I want to be with you
hey, there little awesome girl
can I get some awesome juice oh, please
body wants to be with me
ooh, yeah shimma shimma sha ooh
Girl, you must be from another time
I say, one where awesomeness is not confined
to awesome things like a and them
even awesomeness itself does not compare
'cause awesomeness is awesome, baby not like you
you're really awesome

"I think they're on their way. Unless I forget again."


This article comes from Popdirt.com
http://popdirt.com

Schnauzers Replace Llama As Hot New Pet!

In the grand tradition of kenniebloggins, here are some things that are ovverrated:

That song "Wild Thing"
"Ethan Frome"
trancendentalism
antitrancendentalism
complaining
Trans-Am (the band, not the car)
Jack Daniels
cocaine
carbonation
Futurama
Social Anxiety Disorder
Bukowski
getting degrees and shit
Shoegazer (the music "genre")
quitting smoking
twizzlers
.avi file formats
Captain Crunch cereal (plain, not peanut butter)
The Doors
Jim Morrison as a "poet"
Morrissey's lyrics
99% of music critics
that other 1% of music critics, too
concepts that can be considered "high concept"

"Remember me? I'm the kid who had a report due on space. Then I got the new Encyclopedia Britannica."
"He had a report due on space, and then he got the new Encycloped-"
"I think I made that abudently clear."
"Uhh, yes."
"Anyhow, here it is. I mean, hey everybody knows that this is the greatest encyclopedia in the world. It helped me get a B+."
"Why not an A?"
"Too long. I found so much great information I put it all in. Overkill."
"Mm."
"The next report I did was for my science class, on the human body. Scored an A. Look at this! I always wondered where my mandibula was!"
"For details on how you can have the New Encyclopedia Britannica-"
"Let's have that one-eight hundred number again."


If I wanted to, I would've called. Such is the beauty in laid-back, cool, makes you wanna set your tv on fire advertising.

Check out this insanely scary anti-drug PSA from back in the day. Not that it makes me scared of drugs, just of giant snake-like dealers...

And while you're basking in nostalgia, here's an old-school Halloween-themed cereal commercial. I miss when breakfast used to be scary...

I'm a dance crusader
playa hater
rhythm trader
your favorite Now and Later
I'm a beat creator
funky waiter
bring you tater
Your smoothest operator.
I'm a happy customer
A heat modulator.
I'm a dance floor raider
magic satyr
freak evader
I'll be your Christian Slater.
I'm a couples skater
smart like laser
rose parader
Your heart palpatrator.

This guy needs to get beat up, whoever he is:

Misguided Suspense Metaphors

The situation had become topsy-turvy- like Christmas in the summer, if you're in Australia.

The information imbedded on the stolen computer chip was like an explosive so explosive it could explode, creating a massive explosion.

The killer was a misplaced comma in the jaunty, happy sentence that made up the party crowd.

His face looked like an ice sculpture. Not one of those pretty ones in the middle of a cruise ship buffet, but the kind they do in a contest with a chainsaw- and it had been out in the heat too long.

Like any family, this house had its secrets, secrets it grimly refused to reveal, and would continue to refuse to reveal even if it could speak, which unlike a family, or at least most members of most families, it couldn't.

The sudden darkness made the Countess tense, like Bobby Jerome that time with the bicycle in 7th grade, remember?

There was something funny about the kidnapping crime scene that Special Agent Frievald couldn't quite place, and the thought stuck with him throughout the rest of the day, like those tiny little bits of the circumferent skin from the bologna slices on a foot-long Subway Cold Cut Trio that get stuck in between the last two molars on the upper left, on the tongue side where you can't possibly reach them with a toothpick, your fingernails, or even a systematically straightened paper clip, they just sit there and make everything you eat at your next meal taste vaguely like vinegar and mayonnaise, and then somehow -- quietly but miraculously -- they disappear by themselves in the middle of the night while you're asleep, just like the visiting Countess appeared to have done.

(as stolen from Top Five Dot Com.)

Google Language Translator On Proust:

A long time, I lay down early. Sometimes, hardly my extinct candle, my eyes were closed so quickly that I did not have time to say to me: "I fall asleep" And, half an hour after, the thought which it was time to seek the sleep woke up me; I wanted to pose volume that I still believed to have in the hands and to blow my light; I had not ceased while sleeping to make reflexions on what I had just read, but these reflexions had taken a a little particular turn; it seemed to to me that I was myself that about which the work spoke: a church, a quartet, competition of François Ier and Charles Quint. This belief survived during a few seconds in my alarm clock, it did not shock my reason but weighed like scales on my eyes and prevented them from realizing that the candlestick was not lit any more. Then it started to become to me inintelligible, as after the métempsycose the thoughts of a former existence; the subject of the book was detached from me, I were free of me to apply to it or not; at once I covered the sight and I was well astonished to find around me a darkness, soft and resting for my eyes, but perhaps more still for my spirit, with which it appeared as a thing without cause, incomprehensible, like a really obscure thing. I wondered what time it could be; I heard the whistle of the trains which, more or less moved away, like the song of a bird in a forest, raising the distances, described me the extent of the deserted countryside where the traveller hastens towards the nearest station; and the small way which it follows will be engraved in its memory by the excitation which it owes with new places, with unaccustomed acts, the recent talk and the good-byes under the foreign lamp which still follow it in the silence of the night, with the nearest softness of the return. I tenderly supported my cheeks against the beautiful cheeks of the pillow which, full and fresh, are like the cheeks of our childhood. I rubbed a match to look at my watch. Soon midnight. It is the moment when the patient, who was obliged to leave on a journey and had to sleep in an unknown hotel, awaked by a crisis, is delighted by seeing under the door a line by day. What a happiness, it is already the morning! In one moment the servants will be picked up, it will be able to sound, one will come to carry help to him. The to be relieved hope gives him courage to suffer. Precisely it believed to hear steps; the steps approach, then move away.

New Stuff! New Stuff! Yell it like a crazy person cause it's new stuff!

New favorite quote of the specific period of time:
Any time someone finds god in a set of rented flourescent lights I become anguished.
-David P.

And also, new poll. Look to your right! That's your right!

Ok well maybe it wasn't that spectacular but hey I don't see you throwing around new stuff.

Check this out, for it is ripe with humor: It is the dullest blog in the world, and it is now my blog of the moment.

I got the wierdest piece of spamail the other day, supposedly from an online pharmaceutical company. It included this picture:



And this text:
But at seven minutes to one o'clock in the morning a deafening whistling was heard, like that produced by a body of water rushing with great violence
A person charged in any state with treason, felony, or other crime, who shall flee from justice, and be found in another state, shall on demand of the executive authority of the state from which he fled, be delivered up, to be removed to the state having jurisdiction of the crime; The shock had been so slight that no one had been alarmed, had it not been for the shouts of the carpenter's watch, who rushed on to the bridge, exclaiming, "We are sinking! we are sinking!" At first the passengers were much frightened, but Captain Anderson hastened to reassure them.

Um, yeah.

Just acquired the posthumously-released Elliot Smith album, "From A Basement On The Hill"

Wow. I'm not huge on posting song lyrics, but I'm gonna post one just to guage the general mood of the entire album:

Memory Lane

This is the place
You'll end up when
You lose the chase
Where you're dragged against your will
From a basement on the hill
All anybody knows is
You're not like them
They hit you in the head
And send you back to bed
Isolation called you and passed a tunnel into a
Bright world where you can rule a place of state
Here's a little house for you to stay
But everybody's scared of this place
They're staying away
Your little house on memory lane
The mayor's name is fear
His voice patrols the pier
By a mountain up of cliche
That advances everyday
The doctor speak in clowns
He rings out loud
He'll keep the doors and windows shut
And swear
Never join a soul again
But isolation chased you ‘til every muscle ached
Down the only road it ever takes
But everybody's scared of this place
They're staying away
Your little house on memory lane
If it's your decision
To be open about yourself
Be careful or else
Be careful or else
Uncomfortable apart
It's all written on my chart
That I take what's given to me
Most cooperatively
I do what people say
And lie in bed all day
Absolutely horrified
I hope you're satisfied
Isolation pushes past something and chained to
A place where suffering’s a game
But everybody's scared of this place
They're staying away
Your little house on memory lane
Your little house on memory lane

...

hey, wouldn't you know they change every time you refresh the page! call your friends!

Quote of the specified time period:
I have been to hell and it is the Pink Pony golf tournament.
-my friend, who was there and should know.

In the future, robots will teach foriegn children what to do when the U.S. of A. invades their country.

Conversations with Great Conversationalists. Part 1.

"Hey Jill, are you stoned? You look stoned."
"No. No, I'm not."
"But you look stoned."
"No, actually that's you."
"Yeah, you're right."

(five second pause)

"Hey Jill are you stoned?"
"Nope, still you."
"Oh yeah..."
(commence to feeding the dog more tater chips)

That last post made me sound like I am but 13 years old. Damn me and my ways.

I think maybe having good dreams is worse than having bad dreams because when you wake from a good dream you are hit with a shit ton of reality that sucks so so much. That was the beginning of my morning. The rest was dealing with auto repair people and insurance people because my car was backed into last night by a giant fucking SUV. And now I'm at work.
God, this week has been a funk and a half so far. I feel like I've been in this depressed haze, which only momentarily lifts and then gets shoved back down. It's all self-imposed. I like people too much that I shouldn't like too much, and I sit and mope about it instead of doing anything about it (or nothing about it, or something about it, or anything about it still I guess), sufficing to say: boys suck.
That is all.
Oh, except: you knocked a future shock crowbar upside my head/I got caught with the stop of the tick tock, tick tock clock.
(i didn't write that)

That is REALLY all.