n'est pas

Excerpt from the autobiography of Josephine Drake, who does not exist.

April 1st, 2001

I'm not entirely convinced the IRS exists, or at least that it exists as one entity in one building. There must be at least two buildings, one for all the conveyor belts and giant calculators and one for paperwork. If this mystery network of agents insists I keep all my paperwork, including receipts, I'm just going to pull the rubber and glue comeback and insist they show me all their paperwork as well. We'll see who's glue then!
Of course if the IRS actually doesn't exist they automatically become glue because that makes their whole "tax" theory (or scheme), a shamble.
I don't question where the refunds come from. I don't question a lot of things, but I especially refrain from questioning free money magically appearing in my account.
I've been trying to keep better financial records, so every bit of information I gather regarding taxes or how to get more money so high quality items are not beyond my grasp goes straight into the notebook. Number one: writeoffs. Somehow the key to more money. How remains a mystery buried in mathematics. If I were clever enough about such things I could say that technically "finding" and "adopting" are the same thing. And that "puppies" and "broken television sets" require the same amount of maintenence. And that "puppies" and "babies" weigh roughly the same. And conclusions would be met! I could be rich. Math could work for me, proving the age-old saying true: "Math. It can work for you!"
Should I put my apology in writing? I can't find all my reciepts and I'll admit it, IRS, sometime I never even requested a receipt. Sometimes upon pulling up to the gas pump I haphazardly pressed "no, I don't need a receipt," thus keeping my transaction a secret between me and pump 10. Should I find that pump and beat a receipt out of it? Can I be responsible for my actions when the IRS is contantly breathing down my neck, watching my every move, censoring my letters home?
So far tax season is proving to be the worst season and I think we all know how I feel about summer. I feel I'd be leaving important information out regarding taxes if I didn't mention how close I'm getting to the perfect cocktail of medication. They say any day now. I take comfort in their vagueness, or will once I do a thorough background check.
This will prove important later. I didn't know it at the time, but I certainly do now. As does the IRS department responsible for fielding complaints and foriegn objects.