Wednesday, January 28, 2009


Friday, January 23, 2009

Epic Text-Message Conversations

"What are those old-school ringtones called? The type of music?"
"I know what you're talking about but I don't remember."
"Yeah, it's pissing me off, mang."

(two hours later)

"I'm still thinking about this."
"Wasn't it on your old phone? It's like mono or disyllabic and sounds 80s. I'm seeing the letter 'm'."
"Yes, and I used to write cell phone ads. Annoying!"
"That's it!"
"This is the dumbest conversation we've ever had."

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

For all your partying, irony, or ironic partying needs, I present:

Jock Jamz Mix Party '09 (this is the link to download)

1. 2 Unlimited - Get Ready For This
2. Boyz II Men - Motownphilly
3. Technotronic - Pump Up The Jam
4. London Beat - I've Been Thinking About You
5. Snap! - The Power
6. Lo-Fidelity Allstars - Battle Flag
7. K7- Come Baby Come
8. C+C Music Factory - Things That Make You Go Hmm...
9. Reel 2 Reel - I Like To Move It
10. Jock Jams* - Cotton Eyed Joe
11. Basshunter - Please Don't Go (Wideboys Edit)
12. KLF - 3am Eternal
13. Bel Biv Devoe - Poison
14. Real McCoy - Another Night
15. Z Onyx - Slam (Ultimix)
16. Crystal Waters - Gypsy Woman (She's Homeless)
17. Juliet Waters - I Want You
18. Quad City DJs- Space Jam

*I have no idea who the fuck sings Cotton Eyed Joe, this mp3 reads "Jock Jams" in the artist column.

A Sampling of Facebook Status Updates From This Morning, Which Was a Few Hours Ago

"would love to see Michelle punk the Bushes from behind with the Lincoln Bible."

"man, that crowd loves it some feinstein."

"wishes this flash player update would hurry the f up."

"that giant easter basket sounded just like aretha franklin."

"bought that same (Aretha) hat at Marshalls last night."


"This is so... Presidential."

"Poetry? Time for a smoke."

p.s. I am listening to "Return to Innocence", it is kind of like a jock jam.

Friday, January 16, 2009

I had never heard that name Sully before and then I heard it five times, yesterday.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

God, this needs a design overhaul. I say that every six months or so, change it up and then it looks even worse than before. So maybe this time I won't touch it. I'll just whine about it. Because that's how life works best.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Well, now I remember why I don't drink Sparks. Holy hell, this headache is awful. I'm ready to drive to headquarters and stop production on this product myself. In other news, I am staring at a computer screen, which certainly isn't helping.

Saturday, January 10, 2009

I remember back when I used to update this thing daily, that was back before blogger got bought out and required you to submit an unrelated email as you username, back when I had IDEAS and didn't spend half of Saturday accidently watching Dances With Wolves and solely communicating via text messages. I was going to leave the house tonight but everything is AVN-related, which last year meant porn clowns and the year before meant breaking a bottle of vanilla vodka on the concrete at eight o'clock in the morning. This year will remain decidedly more chill, or sanitary I guess too. I hate this city with the passion of a thousand unyielding tire fires.
This morning I woke up early and went to kickboxing, tomorrow I wake up early to help (or hinder, depending on how heavy the lifting is) a friend with a yard sale. That's the weekend. That's all there is to it. I keep waking up with short stories in my head. They get dumber as the day goes on, without fail. I'm glad I haven't been writing them down.
I'm jealous of diarists who can keep this up on the daily, on the twice and three times daily. I'm going to get a better camera. I'm going to lose another ten pounds. I'm going to update, dammit, whether you like it or not.

Tuesday, January 06, 2009


From down here...

this fish was lookin' at me all funny.

one of my friends at work gave me this banana slicer, because i like the word "banana".

Sunday, January 04, 2009

My only resolution is for 2009 to be as much like this as humanly possible: