Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Today I intended to make a list of types of people who annoy me but instead I became very very busy and only made it to four:

-Dental hygenists who try to make conversation while shoving instruments and/or anaesthesia into your mouth.

-People who can barely afford to take care of themselves yet own more than one cat.

-Parents who consider the toy section at Salvation Army a form of daycare.

-People who never change the trash bag in their own garbage cans, instead choosing to leave trash on top of the already full pile of mess.

And whom do you find annoying? I'm writing a pamphlet!

Sunday, February 26, 2006

What Hurricane Katrina didn't crush it flooded. Another thing it didn't crush was the spirit of the four thousand drunken frat boys who showed up for mardi gras oh my god shut up Fox Five News.

Only two deadly shootings this week. Oh and they found the identity of baby jane cordova who was left in the dumpster at cordova apartments. Which I just checked off the list of apartments to look at because my roommate(s) are thinking about getting a rabbit or a turtle and as hilarious as those backyard races may be, I don't want to live at a pseudo petting zoo.

Friday, February 24, 2006

I spent a good portion of last night at the Hardwood Suite in the Palms, shooting models and watching The Killers walk in and out of the recording studio, which happens to be right next door. And even though the studio is quite soundproof it did not stop me from, when put in charge of the ipod sound system at the Hardwood, playing the Bloc Party album as loud as my heart's content.

It was kind of slim pickins, being as it was not my ipod. Pictures later, but not of the killers.

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Last night I dreamed that faceless tennis players were napping on an indoor court, I was frantically trying to wake a specific one of them up and then frantically trying to pay phone someone from behind the seats. Tennis situations are common dream-time motifs for me.
We are super busy at work these days. Tomorrow I am going to watch photographers shoot half naked models in the Erotic Suite at The Palms. This weekend I will either be working, at the grand canyon, or doing something else.

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

And a flying chicken leg...

Tiny bowling at the Silverton last Friday:

Monday, February 20, 2006

It's precedence day, so decide what's important to you and cut bait on everything else. So far I have bought a sandwich and taped a drawing of a flying chicken leg to the wall. I can't write at length about anything anymore.

Sunday, February 19, 2006

"Does he fuck with his vocoder on?"
"Hahahahahaha no."

It's raining today in Vegas, I am working and also you don't really wear a vocoder so that's that.

Thursday, February 16, 2006

Have I ever mentioned that I absolutely cannot stand the "soul patch".

And also I am going snowboarding on Sunday, a sport which most likely is ripe with soul patches. I am going to fall over, repeatedly.

It was the best thing last night to be on the elliptical trainer and watch the winter olympics at 24 hour fitness. It is so motivating you would not even believe, I think I am going to go back tonight. If I go at eight I can watch snowboarding. Maybe I will see some flying tomato. Tonight: PLANNED. God I miss being fun.
p.s. I am glad kara got kicked off project runway because she skewed hippie/boring.

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

This list of Late Night With Conan O'Brien characters is probably the funniest thing I have seen today. Highlights:

Cactus Chef playing Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start The Fire" on a flute
Chewbacca stuck in a glory hole
The Cobra of Despair (killed the Bluebird of Happiness)
Coked-Up Werewolf
The Evil Puppy, an evil puppy that sits on a throne of bones.
Hippie Fire Hydrant Riding a Bacon Skateboard
Misunderstood Teen in the Rain
Screeching Racoon with a Jetpack
Tabilus, the mythical half-man half-table.
They Might be Slipnuts (formerly known as Slipnuts)
Zorro's Cousin, Bore-o

I should start a feature called "funniest thing I have seen today". I will update it once a week, or completely at random.

There are lots of tiny sandstorms in Vegas today. The 40mph wind picks up the trash from one vacant lot and deposits it in another vacant lot, this morning it sounded like someone was destroying the contents of my closet when it was really just the trees trying to get in through the windows. Last night I didn't leave work until eight thirty and proceeded to watch House and fall asleep where I further proceeded to have a dream where I was sleeping with that dude from House and then I woke up with mild abdominal pains and was absolutely certain I was dying for about three minutes until I turned on CNN. And then realized that it's not me, it's the rest of world with all their cartoons and unneccesary trailer parks and problems, problems. This planet is one whiny son of a bitch, I tell you what.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

There are several stories partaining to the legend of Valentines Day, or St. Valentine's Day as they called it back in the day. One claims that St. Valentine was a priest during third century Rome. Emporer Claudius, being the warmongerer that he was, outlawed marriage for single men so that they could be his soldiers and perpetuate the growth of the already ridiculously huge Roman Empire. Valentine was all like "oh hell no" so he performed marriage in secret, and- much like pre-roe v. wade abortion doctors- was put to death for his actions. And was thus declared the love saint.
Another story is that St. Valentines was one of those people that helped the Christians escape the Romans, which has absolutely nothing to do with love so I don't see how that could possibly be true, and still a third contends that Valentine actually sent the first Valentine, thus propelling every Hallmark store on earth to crap red for all of January and half of February. And that is the story of Valentine's Day.

Personally I don't want any part of a holiday perpetuated by the same company that came up with this:

Happy Pseudoholidays!

Monday, February 13, 2006

You will all be absolutely thrilled to know that after 26 years I still do not have a single cavity. I do, however, have bunk gums so they had to essentially pressure clean them this morning, leaving the entire right side of my mouth numb and me unable to eat little more than soup. I keep telling everyone that I had a tiny stroke.

Left side is scheduled for the 27th, its a one side at a time kind of deal.

I made another hat:

and then I gave it to my art director.

Sunday, February 12, 2006

Anyone else think Smokey Robinson is starting to look a little like an oompa-loompa?

Friday, February 10, 2006

Things to do this weekend:

Make a hat for my art director for her birthday.
Work here at work on work shit.
Go to the gym, twice.
Find a drawing of an owl.

What am I going to do tonight? Vegas? I'm lookin' to you for answers, Vegas.

Thursday, February 09, 2006

My new favorite person on television:

Thank you for your time. That is all.

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

I got a robot.

I made a hat.

I put some old ornaments in a vase.

I decorated with some cracked-out owls.

I got these shoez.

I leaned this pattern up against the wall.

I put these hats in a row.

I took a picture of my clock radio that does not work.

I decorated at work.

And this, too.

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Having gotten completely off track with my seven wonders research, I ran across some weird looking fish. I love some weird looking fish. They seem to be everywhere these days don't they. Weird looking fish are the new assymetrical haircut!

the humphead wrasse, it lives in the northern red sea and is a friend to all except like algae and shit like that

the red-lipped batfish, from galapagos, hobbies include tennis and volunteering at the local shelter

Well I guess that's it for right now.

I'm not really one for high-adventure, high-risk, dangerous sort of vacations, but I have been doing some reading-up on the wonders of the world (for work purposes, mind you) and dammit if I don't want to visit Victoria Falls. I mean look at that place. LOOK AT IT. Damn them are some falls.

ps. I would probably end up contracting ebola or that south african aids thats going around down there, with my luck that is.

Monday, February 06, 2006

Ok I am super pissed that I missed this:


Watch some clips here.

(don't forget to watch the kitten half time show clip, 78% more entertaining than the stones!)

These aren't as funny as the Chuck Norris ones, but come on it's Jack Freaking Bauer:

If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.

Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.

If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.

Jack Bauers calender goes from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Jack Bauer.

When Kim Bauer lost her virginity, Jack Bauer found it and put it back.

Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.

Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.

If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Jack Bauer says its beef. Then it's f**king beef.

Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.

Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer f**king hates lemonade.

Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Herion was addicted to Jack Bauer.

Osama bin Laden's recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive.

Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.

Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men.

Jack Bauer once double teamed a girl.......by himself.

Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.

When Jack Bauer was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.

Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time. Wait, that is a real fact.

Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.

When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.

Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.

Jack Bauer won the Tour de France on a unicycle to prove to Lance Armstrong it wasn't a big deal. He thinks yellow wristbands are gay.

When Google can't find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.

Jesus died and rose from the dead in 3 days. It took Jack Bauer less than an hour. And he's done it twice.

When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer.

Jack Bauer can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30.

Guns dont kill people, Jack Bauer kills people.

Every mathematical inequality officially ends with "< Jack Bauer".

In kindergarten, Jack Bauer killed a terrorist for Show and Tell.

If Jack and MacGyver were locked in a room together, Jack would make a bomb out of MacGyver and get out.

If you spell Jack Bauer in a Scrabble game, you win. Forever.

What color is Jack Bauer's blood? Trick question. Jack Bauer does not bleed.

Every time you maturbate Jack Bauer kills a terrorist. Not beacuase you masurbated, but because that is how often he kills terrorists.

When Jack Bauer pissses into the wind, the wind changes direction.

If Jack Bauer was gay, his name would be Chuck Norris.

I kind of wanted to go to a superbowl (or superball as meatwad says) party yesterday but none of my imaginary las vegas friends were throwing one, so instead I opted for shopping. Because I was out of Kiehl's toner. And the only place I could get said toner was the forum shops at Ceaser's Palace, where- because it was a casino first and foremost- they were blasting the superbowl so all the sports book bars could rake in on what is undoubtedly their biggest day of the year.
So I basically heard most of the game in between the thunder and general mayhem of arbitrary statues "coming to life", i.e. bad animatronics I guess, despite all this and the horrible parking situation, they had great stores that I mostly could not afford. Kiehl's, Pucci, Agent Provocateur, and ok when did Bath and Body Works start selling stuff like C.O. Bigelow? I guess I have not been in one since high school, having since discovered sephora and the like.

Shop with this dude!

(I apologize for the relative mundanity of this entry)

Thursday, February 02, 2006

Disco Kroger
Crack Kroger
Murder Kroger

Has anyone named the new-ish Kroger on Moreland yet? And if not I am going to suggest "Partial Birth Abortion Kroger". Just you know, casually throw it into sentences and see if it doesn't stick. "Hey I gotta run and grab some batteries- you think the closest place is partial birth abortion kroger?" or "I like to get my shopping done at 5am because any later and the lines at PBA Kroger get backed up as all hell". I bet it sticks. I bet it totally sticks.

"Partial Birth Abortion Kroger has the freshest motherfucking produce in all the land!"

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

This post is solely dedicated to this picture of david hassellhoff, as recently found among a reply chain via work email: