n'est pas

These aren't as funny as the Chuck Norris ones, but come on it's Jack Freaking Bauer:


If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.

Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.

If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.

Jack Bauers calender goes from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Jack Bauer.

When Kim Bauer lost her virginity, Jack Bauer found it and put it back.

Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.

Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.

If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Jack Bauer says its beef. Then it's f**king beef.

Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.

Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.


When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer f**king hates lemonade.

Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Herion was addicted to Jack Bauer.

Osama bin Laden's recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive.

Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.

Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men.

Jack Bauer once double teamed a girl.......by himself.

Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.

When Jack Bauer was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.

Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time. Wait, that is a real fact.

Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.

When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.

Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.

Jack Bauer won the Tour de France on a unicycle to prove to Lance Armstrong it wasn't a big deal. He thinks yellow wristbands are gay.

When Google can't find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.

Jesus died and rose from the dead in 3 days. It took Jack Bauer less than an hour. And he's done it twice.

When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer.

Jack Bauer can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30.

Guns dont kill people, Jack Bauer kills people.

Every mathematical inequality officially ends with "< Jack Bauer".

In kindergarten, Jack Bauer killed a terrorist for Show and Tell.

If Jack and MacGyver were locked in a room together, Jack would make a bomb out of MacGyver and get out.

If you spell Jack Bauer in a Scrabble game, you win. Forever.

What color is Jack Bauer's blood? Trick question. Jack Bauer does not bleed.

Every time you maturbate Jack Bauer kills a terrorist. Not beacuase you masurbated, but because that is how often he kills terrorists.

When Jack Bauer pissses into the wind, the wind changes direction.

If Jack Bauer was gay, his name would be Chuck Norris.