BEHOLD: MY ART SKILLS

Epic Text-Message Conversations

"What are those old-school ringtones called? The type of music?"
"I know what you're talking about but I don't remember."
"Yeah, it's pissing me off, mang."

(two hours later)

"I'm still thinking about this."
"Wasn't it on your old phone? It's like mono or disyllabic and sounds 80s. I'm seeing the letter 'm'."
"Yes, and I used to write cell phone ads. Annoying!"
"Midi?"
"That's it!"
"This is the dumbest conversation we've ever had."

For all your partying, irony, or ironic partying needs, I present:

Jock Jamz Mix Party '09 (this is the link to download)

1. 2 Unlimited - Get Ready For This
2. Boyz II Men - Motownphilly
3. Technotronic - Pump Up The Jam
4. London Beat - I've Been Thinking About You
5. Snap! - The Power
6. Lo-Fidelity Allstars - Battle Flag
7. K7- Come Baby Come
8. C+C Music Factory - Things That Make You Go Hmm...
9. Reel 2 Reel - I Like To Move It
10. Jock Jams* - Cotton Eyed Joe
11. Basshunter - Please Don't Go (Wideboys Edit)
12. KLF - 3am Eternal
13. Bel Biv Devoe - Poison
14. Real McCoy - Another Night
15. Z Onyx - Slam (Ultimix)
16. Crystal Waters - Gypsy Woman (She's Homeless)
17. Juliet Waters - I Want You
18. Quad City DJs- Space Jam


*I have no idea who the fuck sings Cotton Eyed Joe, this mp3 reads "Jock Jams" in the artist column.

A Sampling of Facebook Status Updates From This Morning, Which Was a Few Hours Ago

"would love to see Michelle punk the Bushes from behind with the Lincoln Bible."

"man, that crowd loves it some feinstein."

"wishes this flash player update would hurry the f up."

"that giant easter basket sounded just like aretha franklin."

"bought that same (Aretha) hat at Marshalls last night."

"I am sO bored WHO ORDERED THE FUCKING SPA AND SALON CHILLOUT SHIT."

"This is so... Presidential."

"Poetry? Time for a smoke."

p.s. I am listening to "Return to Innocence", it is kind of like a jock jam.

I had never heard that name Sully before and then I heard it five times, yesterday.

God, this needs a design overhaul. I say that every six months or so, change it up and then it looks even worse than before. So maybe this time I won't touch it. I'll just whine about it. Because that's how life works best.

Well, now I remember why I don't drink Sparks. Holy hell, this headache is awful. I'm ready to drive to headquarters and stop production on this product myself. In other news, I am staring at a computer screen, which certainly isn't helping.

I remember back when I used to update this thing daily, that was back before blogger got bought out and required you to submit an unrelated email as you username, back when I had IDEAS and didn't spend half of Saturday accidently watching Dances With Wolves and solely communicating via text messages. I was going to leave the house tonight but everything is AVN-related, which last year meant porn clowns and the year before meant breaking a bottle of vanilla vodka on the concrete at eight o'clock in the morning. This year will remain decidedly more chill, or sanitary I guess too. I hate this city with the passion of a thousand unyielding tire fires.
This morning I woke up early and went to kickboxing, tomorrow I wake up early to help (or hinder, depending on how heavy the lifting is) a friend with a yard sale. That's the weekend. That's all there is to it. I keep waking up with short stories in my head. They get dumber as the day goes on, without fail. I'm glad I haven't been writing them down.
I'm jealous of diarists who can keep this up on the daily, on the twice and three times daily. I'm going to get a better camera. I'm going to lose another ten pounds. I'm going to update, dammit, whether you like it or not.

Christmas


From down here...


this fish was lookin' at me all funny.












one of my friends at work gave me this banana slicer, because i like the word "banana".

My only resolution is for 2009 to be as much like this as humanly possible:

goals!

By request, what it looks like outside my apartment window when it snows:

I would have gone outside, but I don't actually own anything that's snowproof or would keep me from falling on the ice.

"Frosty the Snow Man" is a really depressing story / song. I don't know if you guys have been paying attention, but dude gets hit by a car at the end of it. Or melts. It's a little unclear. Either way, he becomes the victim of the same global warming that's causing it to snow in Las Vegas today.

Here is a favor that you can do for yourselves. Go to flickr, and search the tabs for "dachshund" and "christmas". It will open up a world of cute.

Hi, Chester.

Happy Monday after Thanksgiving! Here's what I watched, a hundred times, which was all week:

Creepy!

Here's what I was talking about, a few posts ago:

Champion of the sun!

I've been writing some wedding copy.

And have discovered "cherish" to be one of my least favorite words.

Check it out, guys:

Alabama went and voted themselves into a spiffy new blue belt.

Halloween went like, me and Erin dressed like Sluts of the Civil War and went to see Of Montreal at the Electric Factory in Philadelphia. They covered Dayman. It was rad. Then we went dancing at Transit and somewhere along the line I developed achilles tendonitis. Pain, you guys. I'm in it. Now I'm at a coffee shop waiting for Erin to finish photoshopping things into other things, and I am bored and starving and that is why I am blogging from a coffee shop like some kind of college douchebag.

Pictures to follow, at some point. Maybe.

IM conversations reappropriated as very short dialogues, part ixx:

"Man, I am reading about the re-writes to the letter people in the 90s and realizing I have always always associated vowels with being female."

"I think it contributed to my thinking the world was male dominated at an early age. Like, why are there so many more dudes in the land of the letter people? And also, those vowels were probably whores."

"Without vowels? The dudes were useless. The problem with the letter people patriarchy is that unlike the real one? They failed at making the females seem non-essential. ok fucking AWESOME I HAVE P AND A T. I CANT DO SHIT WITH THAT. M? SAUSAGE PARTY. YOU CANT EVEN SPELL SAUSAGE PARTY WITHOUT VOWELS."

I honestly don't think I would be able to tell if a Triscuit were stale or not.