Finally! All the mysteries of the universe, explained!

Here's a compilation of all the video footage from the R.E.M. show in full Quicktime glory:

Click here to experience some hastliy edited together footage!

My eyes are burning just a bit and I think I may be getting sick again. I actually am getting sick again, or well now let's force this into the present tense roundabout let's just say I am sick again. Every time I sneeze it echoes off the cement and bounces around, the echo loud enough to embarrass even the least-occupied of rooms. By least I mean of course myself and the sole occupant of the couch, though that person is quite lost in the deep sleep process of being slowly digested by the cushions.
And so it's Friday night 2am and so I am sitting on the rug, one thin layer from floor, I am on a stationary life-raft, calm seas, and I am feeling rather flat myself. The volume on the television is almost indistinguishable from my keystrokes, forming an inconsistent texture, one long flat noise eating away at the seconds. I should be on the outabouttowns or at the very least tipsy and attempting something akin to sleep. I don't wear listless well. My mind wanders to irrational territory and gains comfort in problems that do not exist outside it's established borders. No, let's plant our flag elsewhere- I want to lead the next generation of conquistadors into the scant-remaining uncharted territories, namely grey matter, namely so.
Nothing is happening, nothing is the happening, this is about how it's happening all around me, the dust collects and I am taking note. Note.

The couch talks in it's sleep, though nothing remotely transcribable, is it slavic? I don't know any of your dialects. I am going to have a cigarette despite respiratory protests, and maybe turn off the tv, and maybe return to the same Nabakov sentence I am reading over and over, and then give up on writing all together because that sentence sets the bar entirely too high.

They should change the name of the olympic event "discus throwing" to "discus hurling". I think that would garner a lot more interest in the sport.

For your Thanksgiving viewing pleasure, here is a turducken stuffed with delicious Bono:

Ladies and gents, Third Eye Films in association with Camp Basement Productions is proud to present:
The Legend Of Spalding

It's majestic. In that way that things are not really all that majestic, but really kind of crappy. Like a convention, or a jim carrey movie.

I know it's close to ye olde holiday season cause I've been listening to the Beatles all morning. Now I'm out like Flynn/Flint, and hell if I'm not bringing the leftovers with.

This is literally the worst baklava I have ever laid tasts buds on. Seriously whoever is passing this off as baklava needs to stay the hell away from baked goods so as he/she can think about what they have done. To me. And my tummy.

I am still eating the baklava.

Picture posting is BACK IN ACTION....here's some from Halloween, plus randomness before and after.

Halloween! It's Halloween:





The Arc of the Covenant as reenacted by some chess pieces:

The Dawn of the Saw:

From the floor which doth not exist:


At the Brick Store:


Nashvilly (all hail bellsouth):


Eastside (lounge), yo:



Jen M's b-day party:

Cole wearing a hat (pic by erin, I believe):

Kitty porn?:

The Abonimable Rugman:

As of late, I have practically been living in the loft located directly underneath Jane Fonda.

I do not feel like I am taking full advantage of this situation.

Kevin's List of Possible Dog Names, Contributed To By Me (Who Enjoys Naming Things)

Turbo
Bo-bo
Kevin, Jr.
Banjo
Snake Face
Lightening
Taco
Suitcase
Pit-Pat
Sandwich
Awesome
Banana
Horse
Biscuit
Falcon
Larry
Jerry
Tony
Danza
Laser
Death-Ray
Destroyer
Shaq
Pizza
Toyota
Truck
Filibuster
Gerrymander
Jeep
Bronco
Circuit
Cocaine
Flip Spiceland
The Falconer
Satan
Professor
Computer
Superdude
Ultradog
Komatsu
Froto
Honda
Triangle
Starcrunch
Tank
Starship
Spaceship
Booster
Rocket
Motor
Mustang
Tornado
Tomato
Football
Cowboy
Batman
Galactic
Cheeto
Urkel
Senator
T-Rex
Casio
Void Demon
Bacon
Pants
Thunderdome
Mickey
Electrode
Thunder
Doglet
Frog
James K. Polk
Guv'ner

kevinquinnyo: why does it have to have a red eye
kevinquinnyo: to make it extra robotic and scary?
ladydehumidifier: YES
ladydehumidifier: and so the other sharks will make even more fun of it
kevinquinnyo: poor robo shark
ladydehumidifier: robots have no feelings
kevinquinnyo: what happens if his circuits get wet
ladydehumidifier: do not feel sorry for the robot
kevinquinnyo: robo shark was programmed to feel shame
ladydehumidifier: hahaha
ladydehumidifier: aw
ladydehumidifier: if his circuits gets wet
ladydehumidifier: then every marine animal in the general vicinity is screwed
kevinquinnyo: except the electric eel
ladydehumidifier: the electric eel eats electricity


Oh, and apparently Russia is building a new nuclear missle. I smell another space race, you guys!!

Apparently "giant squid" is the hot new term for "random drunken hipster".

Copy transcribed from a 1986 brochure picked up at the Kennedy Space Center in Cape Canaveral (Florida), a brochure found among a mountain of maps while cleaning out the trunk of my old car, as left over from my mother's packrat tendencies.

One small step...to history in the making!

SEE-IT-ALL GUIDED TOURS

Make your visit a lifetime memory! Take a guided bus tour featuring live/taped narration and camera stops. And for years to come, as you watch historic launches on TV you can say "I've been there."

On the RED TOUR you may (operations permitting)...
-Experience a simulated Apollo 11 moon launch countdown from the site where all the Apollo astronauts trained; inspect a Saturn V rocket that stretches more than 300 feet, and see the enourmous Vehicle Assembly Building (one of the world's largest buildings);
-See massive 6 million pound Crawler Transporters that carry Space Shuttles to their launch pads; and...
-Take a look at the pads where ALL the Apollo moon missions were launched and ALL Space Shuttles lift off.

On the BLUE TOUR you'll...
-Visit Cape Canaveral Air Force Station where the history of the early space program unfolds for you; (operations permitting) you may...
-See the sights where the first astronauts were launced in the Mercury and Gemini programs;
-Discover a host of current launch pads used for various scientific, commercial and military missions, and you may visit the Air Force Space Museum with it's one-of-a-kind collection of early Air Force rockets and space memorabilia, and see the old mission control building.

Tours available for a modest fee. We recommend buying your tickets early to reserve your space for scheduled tours.
Please remember...you'll be touring an actual working space center, so your itenerary is subject to change due to launch preparations and other activities. But you will get a view of things not open to the general public, and you can take pictures.

Allowing pictures? Averages joes inspecting rockets? State-of-the-art equipment assembly open for all to view? A modest fee? This had to be written post-glasnost.


I am ready to leave work now, ok?

Possible names for (pseudo) metal bands.

trauma concept
anguish syndrome
Paradox Fear
Gaping Notion
Goatmilk
Manntis
Dogma's Progeny
Derivativity
Praying Mentis
Scion of Scorn
Zsion
Zscyonne
Tzsion
Tzsc'oin
JFDJDFHJHEFHYYUGRKE

Damn, how awesome would a Kenny Loggins cover of "Fuck Da Police" be...



You'd rather see me in the pen
Then me and Lorenzo rollin in the Benzo
Beat tha police outta shape
And when I'm finished, bring the yellow tape
To tape off the scene of the slaughter
Still can't swallow bread and water


right.

Because Knowing Is Half The Battle (The Other Half Involves Tanks and Shit)


oh, and also:



I think I just solved science.

Apparently the U.S. is unleashing a big-budget suspense thriller movie on Iraq. Anyone seen that roadmap to freedom laying around...
Tune in to Fox News next week for their special from behind the scenes of the red carpet premiere of "Operation Phantom Fury". I hear there's a pretty good re-enactment of the actual moment when Karl Rove channeled the spirit of Bruckheimer movies past.

THE FUTURE: LARGE, INEVITABLE, AND HURDLING TOWARDS YOU AT LIGHT SPEED!

Holy fuck...

Oh, I almost forgot.
This morning I found myself sitting in the lounge area (two chairs and a table, all plastic) of Maaco, waiting to retrieve my refurbished Saab, as it does happen when one leaves their Saab at a Maaco for the purpose of refurbishment.* Whilst deeply entangled in last month's People magazine, catching up on any sudden Olsen spawnings and Nicole Kidman's footwear preferences^, I happened to overhear a couple dropping off their car for one or another furbish. Though I have no real context other than the fact that it probably had something to do with their automobile, most likely the one they were dropping off, I heard the following:
"Yeah, that one. Electron blue."
Whoa. I wanted to demand my car be electron blue. It would know where to run where, and hell I don't even know half the time to tell the truth.
Unfortunately I didn't want to be carless for another week, so I took my white shiny hood and white dirty rest of car home safe and sound.
That's all.

*I liked the double A brotherhood aspect.

^shoes, mostly.

Pictures found upon entering the words "taco sandwich" into google image search:

From Jon Stewart's "America: The Book"

"Democracy Before America"

In this chapter you will:
- Witness thousands of years of history casually dismissed in a few pages
- Learn the difference between a totalitarian regime and a post-Communist kleptocracy
- Read a cuneiform public opinion poll
- Realize that no matter how horrible your life is, it's not as bad as a feudal serf's
- Make your own flag (spangles not included)
- Have a hard time keeping the book open on a table while you read it

"The Founding of America"

In this chapter you will:
- See graphic, full-color photos of America's birth
- Learn about the Founding Mothers and find out which ones were FMILFs
- Not fire until you see the whites of their eyes
- Become increasingly skeptical of the authors' scholarship
- Get sick of always hearing about how great Ben Franklin was
- Circle every fifth letter until you find the clue that leads you to the treasure!

"The President: King Of Democracy"

In this chapter you will:
- Learn that not everyone can be President and why people should really stop spreading that rumor
- Discover that most of what you've seen on The West Wing is total fucking bullshit
- Find out where you fall in the line of succession
- Be surprised to read who our gayest president was
- Take a virtual ride in Stagecoach One
- Lose your virginity (maybe, if you play your cards right)

"Congress: Quagmire of Freedom"

In this chapter you will:
- Gain new appreciation for rotundas
- Compare and contrast the soulless grayfaced bureaucrats of the Senate with the soulless gray-faced bureaucrats of the House
- Embark on an exotic journey of the senses as you are exposed as a leftist and homosexual
- Meet and immediately dislike lobbyists
- Gerrymander
- Learn how to hide your purchase of this book in a much larger book appropriations bill

"The Judicial Branch: It Rules"

In this chapter you will:
- Desegregate a school
- Take this book all the way to the Supreme Court
- Learn how to operate a gavel responsibly and safely- even a stretch gavel
- See all nine Supreme Court justices naked (see pp. 98-99)
- Discover how to know pornography when you see it (see pp. 98-99)
- Notice that twelve pages are missing from the middle of the chapter. Our bad.

"Campaigns and Elections: America Changes the Sheets"

In this chapter you will:
- Marvel at colonial-era button-making technology
- Go negative
- Learn why your vote counts, but not nearly as much as your money
- Take a ride on a state-of-the-art campaign bus
- Continue to be bored by the issue of campaign finance reform
- Learn the hottest new debate techniques from Dirty Dancing choreographer Kenny Ortega

"The Media: Democracy's Valiant Vulgarians"

In this chapter you will:
- Learn how to identify political bias in today's liberal, bleeding-heart, Jew and gay-run media
- Become an unnamed source
- Be given important interview facial expression tips by Stephen Colbert
- Create your own "no-spin zone"
- Discover which media conglomerate now owns you
- Not have your opinion of Geraldo Rivera particularly improved upon

"The Future of Democracy: Four Score and Seven Years from Now"

In this chapter you will:
- Experience democracy in pill form
- Learn how America's growing ethnic diversity will enhance your take-out options
- Take a look at the Washington of the future, and the crumbums of the future who occupy it
- Angrily say aloud, "Future of democracy? How 'bout some democracy right friggin' now?" (Michael Moore only)
- Blow it up! Damn you. God damn you all to Hell!
- Be so close to finishing the book you can taste it

"The Rest of the World: International House of Horrors"

In this chapter you will:
- Meet the rest of the world in 22 pages
- See most common stereotypes reinforced
- Learn nothing whatsoever about St. Kitts
- Do an exciting Middle East Jumble
- Discover that denial ain't just a psychological coping mechanism
- Find out in which countries you definitely don't want to get arrested

From www.thismodernworld.com

"Four more years of American soldiers being used as cannon fodder.

Four more years of scientific decisions being made by people who believe in a ghost in the clouds.

Four more years of debt that our children and grandchildren will have to pay off.

Four more years of racists and lunatics for judicial appointments

Four more years of looting the treasury and squandering it on corporate cronies.

Four more years of making enemies faster than we can kill them.

Four more years of fear and darkness and racism and hatred and stupidity and guns and bad country music.

I look at the big map and all of the red in flyover country and I feel like I`ve been locked in a room with the slow learners. We have become the country that pulls a dry cleaning bag over its head to play astronaut."

I think I found this on Fambmx's fotolog page, so thanks.

I just heard a channel two action news correspondent on the scene at (random polling place) say:
"I haven't seen lines this long since the Stones show."

Oh yeah. You are hip, mister. When you cut to that weather sponsored by MacDonalds I'm-loving-it, I know that you are doing it with style.

Lovely. ABC News just said Georgia went Republican. Well that makes me feel completely disenfranchised. I'm suddenly really really angry at the electoral college. Oh well.

This state is filled with complete idiots. I would have said apathy, but let's face it- most people I know who voted Republican know jack shit about the issues.

Every time they project a state as red it makes me want to crawl under the covers and sleep. For, like, four years.

Oh, and I have no car until Friday or Saturday. I need rides, and how!



I fucking love this country.
I think my landlord just burned the popcorn.

Vote Kerry.

That's all for today.


(go, kerry, go!)

I Made Up A Show



Damn, the networks are gonna be all over this shit.