n'est pas

From Jon Stewart's "America: The Book"

"Democracy Before America"

In this chapter you will:
- Witness thousands of years of history casually dismissed in a few pages
- Learn the difference between a totalitarian regime and a post-Communist kleptocracy
- Read a cuneiform public opinion poll
- Realize that no matter how horrible your life is, it's not as bad as a feudal serf's
- Make your own flag (spangles not included)
- Have a hard time keeping the book open on a table while you read it

"The Founding of America"

In this chapter you will:
- See graphic, full-color photos of America's birth
- Learn about the Founding Mothers and find out which ones were FMILFs
- Not fire until you see the whites of their eyes
- Become increasingly skeptical of the authors' scholarship
- Get sick of always hearing about how great Ben Franklin was
- Circle every fifth letter until you find the clue that leads you to the treasure!

"The President: King Of Democracy"

In this chapter you will:
- Learn that not everyone can be President and why people should really stop spreading that rumor
- Discover that most of what you've seen on The West Wing is total fucking bullshit
- Find out where you fall in the line of succession
- Be surprised to read who our gayest president was
- Take a virtual ride in Stagecoach One
- Lose your virginity (maybe, if you play your cards right)

"Congress: Quagmire of Freedom"

In this chapter you will:
- Gain new appreciation for rotundas
- Compare and contrast the soulless grayfaced bureaucrats of the Senate with the soulless gray-faced bureaucrats of the House
- Embark on an exotic journey of the senses as you are exposed as a leftist and homosexual
- Meet and immediately dislike lobbyists
- Gerrymander
- Learn how to hide your purchase of this book in a much larger book appropriations bill

"The Judicial Branch: It Rules"

In this chapter you will:
- Desegregate a school
- Take this book all the way to the Supreme Court
- Learn how to operate a gavel responsibly and safely- even a stretch gavel
- See all nine Supreme Court justices naked (see pp. 98-99)
- Discover how to know pornography when you see it (see pp. 98-99)
- Notice that twelve pages are missing from the middle of the chapter. Our bad.

"Campaigns and Elections: America Changes the Sheets"

In this chapter you will:
- Marvel at colonial-era button-making technology
- Go negative
- Learn why your vote counts, but not nearly as much as your money
- Take a ride on a state-of-the-art campaign bus
- Continue to be bored by the issue of campaign finance reform
- Learn the hottest new debate techniques from Dirty Dancing choreographer Kenny Ortega

"The Media: Democracy's Valiant Vulgarians"

In this chapter you will:
- Learn how to identify political bias in today's liberal, bleeding-heart, Jew and gay-run media
- Become an unnamed source
- Be given important interview facial expression tips by Stephen Colbert
- Create your own "no-spin zone"
- Discover which media conglomerate now owns you
- Not have your opinion of Geraldo Rivera particularly improved upon

"The Future of Democracy: Four Score and Seven Years from Now"

In this chapter you will:
- Experience democracy in pill form
- Learn how America's growing ethnic diversity will enhance your take-out options
- Take a look at the Washington of the future, and the crumbums of the future who occupy it
- Angrily say aloud, "Future of democracy? How 'bout some democracy right friggin' now?" (Michael Moore only)
- Blow it up! Damn you. God damn you all to Hell!
- Be so close to finishing the book you can taste it

"The Rest of the World: International House of Horrors"

In this chapter you will:
- Meet the rest of the world in 22 pages
- See most common stereotypes reinforced
- Learn nothing whatsoever about St. Kitts
- Do an exciting Middle East Jumble
- Discover that denial ain't just a psychological coping mechanism
- Find out in which countries you definitely don't want to get arrested