n'est pas

If you will please open your hymnals to page 43, as we ring in the season with the timeless "the baby jesus, it is for you this x-mas I wait in traffic it is for you i yell at this lexus SUV. sing out the glorious xmas tidings and your figgy pudding!"

this one celebrates the season.

I'm rarely pushed to resort to such drastic measures, but sometimes the brink hits and I have to go all Nicolas-Cage-In-Random-Nicholas-Cage-Action-Movie on said offender's hindquarters. Yeah I killed the oven. It was beeping every five seconds and I was forced to cut off it's main power supply, therefore rendering it officially lifeless. Resurrection will occur as soon as someone with longer arms than I can reach the plug. Bring your camera it will be magnificent I am sure of that. So sayeth I, and so it be mote.

With that little documentation behind us, let's barrel forwards headfirst right into a giant pile of generic holiday corporate spirit giftgivingfestoyotathonarama! Presents were stood in line with in anticipation of purchase! Money was given to both the vendor and the interest rate collective collection in exchange for goods! It was capitalism at it's finest and I have never felt so American in all of my life in this past year! America was truly at its most American. Hooray for Xmas. Hooray for the Baby Xsus.
Because you have managed to collectively fuck my financial stabillity this month, and in coming months. I hope it was goddamn mindblowing for you, cause I sure as hell want to blow someone's brains out.

Anywho. Content!

Here is the short list of presents making it to phase 3: giftwrap!

-Franny and Zooey recipient: mom. (triumphing over cheaper hardback oprah sale-shlock, though the odds of her reading it- thin, due to lack of plot summary/oprah endorsement)

-Infinite Jest recipient: stepmom(ther?). once I learned of her literate tendencies I began giving books as presents without so much as a glance back into wickerwonderland. much to her lack-of-realization, these books are slowly creeping into esoterica as the female lovelorn protagonists begin to wane. though this year's choice might have been too broad of a leap (from eggers? that one novel with all the twisty handwritten type on it? something else endorsed by critics at both spin and nylon?) it guarantees I will not have to buy her another present until the end of time because that is how long this book is it is eternal. how the hell else could i be on page one fifty for two months? HOW??!! the downside of this selection is that there are currently two copies of Infinite Jest coexisting in the same general square footage, which means other books are forced to vacate so as to make room. literary gentrification can be such a bitch.
esoterica. wane. protagonists. gentrification. oh i so went there.

-Classic Rock Stories recipient: dad. My father does not read fiction. I do not know why. And I just provided him with fascinating tidbits to share with fellow passengers every time a song like "Up On Cripple Creek" or "Needle and the Damage Done" comes on the car radio. or KRGR krogerradio. or your local dentist's waiting room radio. What the hell was I thinking.

-52 Activities for Jewish Holidays recipient: er'buddy. This is not a book, or a fragarent candle. It is instead a deck of cards with ways to make your Chaunnnnnukkah (sp?) (offensive?) (apologies?) as chock full of activity as it can possibly be. 52 cards and only 8 nights? You won't even have time to do the math! Oh, I am going to use these as gift tags or gift additions or probably forget I bought them all togethernow.

-The Mini-Bonsai Kit recipient: mom. Her bonsai is dead. This will be hilarious. For like a second. To someone.

-The Mini-Tarot Cards recipient: get it cause her bonsai is dead and this will like teach her for next time to just stick to ficus.

-The Atlas Of The Skies recipient: my brain. watch out stephen hawking. while you are guesting on the simpsons or sitting in that box in the parking garage at work telling everyone to PAY HERE BEFORE RETURNING TO YOUR VEHICLE I am becoming near astrophysical! oh yeah who's singing the body electric at the mensa table now!

-Faces of A Nation: The Rise And Fall Of The Soviet Union recipient: undetermined. But you damn well best believe someone is getting this bad boy. Because you are all commies and having this giant red book on your coffee table will make it easier for the Eisenhower administration to find you. See if you ever work in this town again. Just see.
I'll probably give this to my dad, it looks expensive.

-The Voice Of Reason: Essays In Objectivist Thought by Ayn Rand recipient: dad. not me. because I DO NOT LIKE AYN RAND. not because of her objectivist epimisimological tendencies. but because the cover of one of her books features atlas barely able to lift the world. why? because her TEN THOUSNAND POUND BOOK IS WEIGHING IT DOWN. Geez, if you're gonna ramble on for that long you could at least fail to have a coherent plot or even clear thematic elements. (magicmountainulyseesrememberanceofthingsididnotactuallyread)

-Simon and Garfunkel: The Concert In Central Park, the DVD recipient: well clearly not me since I am making that this-is-clearly-a-gift face at the cashier. i will tell you this- whoever gets this will be getting the gift of the funk. the garfunk.
(and don't think i won't say that when it is unleashed from its wrappings, that or garfunkore which i also made up like hardkore or emokore or hard kore emo.)

-Random Notebooks and Picture Albumy Things recipient: several people but primarily my wallet since my plan to print out a bunch of my photos at work, perform some adhesive magic and pass it off as a homemade present is yeah a pretty goddamn cheap gift.
which reminds me. scrapbookers. now there's a little slice of society best to avoid. seriously a hefty chunk of their disposible income is spent on that what are best classified as "nick-nacky sparkles"*.

-Photo paper recipient: color laserjet printer at work. it eats that shit like nobody's business and then three hours later spits it out. in full color glory! if only humanfolk were so easy to shop for...

-Oh wait that's all I bought today sorry I was distracted by all that wishful thinking about streamlining the christmas process.

And that was today.
Seriously. Ok, ok ok I got it:
JUST BE GLAD I DO NOT GO GROCERY SHOPPING. IMAGINE HOW LONG MY ENTRIES WOULD BE AS I USURPED EVERY BIT OF TANGENTAL SUBTEXT FROM EVERY LAST SNACK PACK.

Hmm..this does not feel finished.

Vocabulary Words (New): snack pack, scrapbookers, scrapbooking, scrapbookingers, garfunkore, garfunky, gargettingdownjustforthefunkelofit, epistimologicalization, proust (when dropped as a name), dirty commie bastard, oprah, giant fucking book, oven, baby jesus, kevin is playing some weird-ass version of classical gas.




*seriously dude these people keep puffy paint in business.



to the mall!