n'est pas

Mark's Latest Out-Of-Office Reply:

I'm off to Alaska.

Why? Well it seems the Alaskan Artic Seal has repopulated enough to move off the endangered species list. As grand an accomplishment as this is, it puts the Alaskan Artic Seal Foundation, of which I am a proud member of, in jeopardy of losing government funds. So in order to save the recently endangered Alaskan Artic Seal Foundation we must kill 275 or so Alaskan Artic Seals over the next couple of weeks. Why so many? Because we want to make sure those little bastards stay on the damn list this time.

Now many of you would say that our actions contradict the goal of our foundation. If contradiction means beating the living crap out of the one thing you swore to protect then yes, we're contradictory- ergo sum hypocrites. Look, the fact is those idiot seals weren't suppose to make a comeback. I mean it took us totally by surprise because we never really used the donations and endowments to do anything other than buy weed. So when the International Wildlife Association made the announcement that the seals had made a full recovery, we were as shocked as all the Canadian fur traders we let onto our wildlife preserve.

There's no doubt that you're probably curious as to how we're going to kill all those seals. Well, we're a little curious about that too. You see being that we're a predominately hippie organization, killing is something we usually shy away from. Not so much because we believe everything has right to live insomuch that killing requires some sort of physical activity. You see our whole philosophy of peace, love, and happiness was just a way to spend more time doing drugs and less time doing things that take us away from doing drugs. The thing is, killing takes work, and when you're working it's tough to sit back, get high, and make love. But if there's one thing we modern hippies are willing to fight for it's to keep our giant stash of free marijuana.

All right, what's our plan of attack? Well we've all decided that clubbing seals is a bit to cliche for our tastes. Plus none of us work out, and you really have to nail one of those suckers hard. So our solution is to take a bit of a gamble. Our plan is to use our existing weed to get the seals high, which according to all the advertising on TV and our own personal experience will make the seals lazy and unproductive. And unproductive and lazy is just the kind of thing that will get a seal ripped apart by a polar bear. Meanwhile, me and the other members will be at the research station striking up conversations about why giant red worms are coming out of the ceiling and how the universe is actually just a grain of sand under the toenail of God.

Hopefully our plan will work.