By request, what it looks like outside my apartment window when it snows:

I would have gone outside, but I don't actually own anything that's snowproof or would keep me from falling on the ice.

"Frosty the Snow Man" is a really depressing story / song. I don't know if you guys have been paying attention, but dude gets hit by a car at the end of it. Or melts. It's a little unclear. Either way, he becomes the victim of the same global warming that's causing it to snow in Las Vegas today.

Here is a favor that you can do for yourselves. Go to flickr, and search the tabs for "dachshund" and "christmas". It will open up a world of cute.

Hi, Chester.

Happy Monday after Thanksgiving! Here's what I watched, a hundred times, which was all week:

Creepy!

Here's what I was talking about, a few posts ago:

Champion of the sun!

I've been writing some wedding copy.

And have discovered "cherish" to be one of my least favorite words.

Check it out, guys:

Alabama went and voted themselves into a spiffy new blue belt.

Halloween went like, me and Erin dressed like Sluts of the Civil War and went to see Of Montreal at the Electric Factory in Philadelphia. They covered Dayman. It was rad. Then we went dancing at Transit and somewhere along the line I developed achilles tendonitis. Pain, you guys. I'm in it. Now I'm at a coffee shop waiting for Erin to finish photoshopping things into other things, and I am bored and starving and that is why I am blogging from a coffee shop like some kind of college douchebag.

Pictures to follow, at some point. Maybe.

IM conversations reappropriated as very short dialogues, part ixx:

"Man, I am reading about the re-writes to the letter people in the 90s and realizing I have always always associated vowels with being female."

"I think it contributed to my thinking the world was male dominated at an early age. Like, why are there so many more dudes in the land of the letter people? And also, those vowels were probably whores."

"Without vowels? The dudes were useless. The problem with the letter people patriarchy is that unlike the real one? They failed at making the females seem non-essential. ok fucking AWESOME I HAVE P AND A T. I CANT DO SHIT WITH THAT. M? SAUSAGE PARTY. YOU CANT EVEN SPELL SAUSAGE PARTY WITHOUT VOWELS."

I honestly don't think I would be able to tell if a Triscuit were stale or not.

Because I know you guys like these things, and I am nothing if not desperate for approval, here is another mixtape:

This has little to do with anything, and much less to do with this.

Download here

1. Hercules & Love Affair - Hercules Theme
2. The Theater Fire - Coyote
3. TV on the Radio - Dancing Choose
4. Erykah Badu - Twinkle
5. Starlight Mints - Jack in the Squares
6. Pinback - Tripoli
7. Nomo - Fourth Ward
8. Afrika Bambaataa - Metal
9. Allez Allez - She's Stirring Up
10. The Free Design - Umbrellas
11. The Magnetic Fields - The Village in the Morning
12. Jukebox the Ghost - Good Day (Andrew Maury Remix)
13. The Brunettes - Her Hairagami Set
14. Lindsey Buckingham - Shut Us Down
15. The Debonair One - Real Bitch Roll Call (some remixed version)

I would like to find two other people to learn this dance with me:

TO BE PERFORMED AT AN UNDETERMINED TIME IN THE FUTURE.

The Department of the Interior at Work In Your Very Own Backyard, Also: Watch for Squirrels

See, the difference is that at Zion National Park you are actually IN the canyon. And that's the difference. Utah is only two hours away from Las Vegas! The more you know! Anyways, here are some pictures from Zion, which has absolutely nothing to do with Jerusalem, give or take some mountainomenclature.

(the problem with me and a canyon is my selection of footwear, which was all I had by way of flats)

haha

SUBJECT: REQUEST FOR URGENT BUSINESS RELATIONSHIP

DEAR AMERICAN:

I NEED TO ASK YOU TO SUPPORT AN URGENT SECRET BUSINESS RELATIONSHIP WITH A TRANSFER OF FUNDS OF GREAT MAGNITUDE.

I AM MINISTRY OF THE TREASURY OF THE REPUBLIC OF AMERICA. MY COUNTRY HAS HAD CRISIS THAT HAS CAUSED THE NEED FOR LARGE TRANSFER OF FUNDS OF 800 BILLION DOLLARS US. IF YOU WOULD ASSIST ME IN THIS TRANSFER, IT WOULD BE MOST PROFITABLE TO YOU.

I AM WORKING WITH MR. PHIL GRAM, LOBBYIST FOR UBS, WHO WILL BE MY REPLACEMENT AS MINISTRY OF THE TREASURY IN JANUARY. AS A SENATOR, YOU MAY KNOW HIM AS THE LEADER OF THE AMERICAN BANKING DEREGULATION MOVEMENT IN THE 1990S. THIS TRANSACTIN IS 100% SAFE.

THIS IS A MATTER OF GREAT URGENCY. WE NEED A BLANK CHECK. WE NEED THE FUNDS AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE. WE CANNOT DIRECTLY TRANSFER THESE FUNDS IN THE NAMES OF OUR CLOSE FRIENDS BECAUSE WE ARE CONSTANTLY UNDER SURVEILLANCE. MY FAMILY LAWYER ADVISED ME THAT I SHOULD LOOK FOR A RELIABLE AND TRUSTWORTHY PERSON WHO WILL ACT AS A NEXT OF KIN SO THE FUNDS CAN BE TRANSFERRED.

PLEASE REPLY WITH ALL OF YOUR BANK ACCOUNT, IRA AND COLLEGE FUND ACCOUNT NUMBERS AND THOSE OF YOUR CHILDREN AND GRANDCHILDREN TO WALLSTREETBAILOUT@TREASURY.GOV SO THAT WE MAY TRANSFER YOUR COMMISSION FOR THIS TRANSACTION. AFTER I RECEIVE THAT INFORMATION, I WILL RESPOND WITH DETAILED INFORMATION ABOUT SAFEGUARDS THAT WILL BE USED TO PROTECT THE FUNDS.

YOURS FAITHFULLY MINISTER OF TREASURY PAULSON

oh, america.

"Life is great after a hurricane when nothing really happened to your house"



I'm not sure what's more awful, hoarding the MREs or talking about it all over the internet. The blog doesn't exist anymore, which is too bad because she seems like a VERY INTERESTING PERSON.

Instead of an actual update, how about a smallish mix cd? How about that? I say YES, OK.

Download Your Mix Here

1. James - Ring the Bells
2. Arabian Prince - Innovative Life
3. Hot Chip - Wrestlers
4. Veda Hille - Lucklucky
5. Dr. Dog - The Old Days
6. Everything Absent or Distorted - Still Life With Machine Gun
7. Simon Bookish - Synchotron
8. T.I. - Swing Your Rag
9. Adam Ant - Prince Charming
10. Tindersticks - Can We Start Again
11. John Vanderslice - Me and My 424
12. Ryan Adams and the Cardinals - Let It Ride
13. Cousteau - The Last Good Day of the Year

I've been that sort of work-busy that just smashes the will to update right out of your soul. And also: Mario Kart.

I don't mean to be one of those people who post news stories all over my blog, but I just found out that David Foster Wallace committed suicide, and this makes me sad. Full story on most news outlets, I'm not going to do the work for you.

Can you guys read this? Not just this sentence, I'm asking if the new layout is read-able.

Some blogging rules, in order to keep people interested:

1. Don't go long periods of time between posting entries.
2. Don't blog about your boring pursuits, such as new glasses or the fact that you are watching all the X-Files episodes in order.
3. Don't blog for the sole purpose of apologizing for your absence.

Oh hey guys, I have failed on all fronts. Did I mention I am watching all the X-Files episodes in order? I mean, that's not all I'm doing. I'm also doing the work-work of two, and being ensnared by the privacy filters of livejournal.com which is oh so tempting. Privacy and my built in network of inside joke-keepers. Livejournal is pretty awesome, once you've built up a neighborhood, don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
Oh yeah, the X-Files makes more sense when you watch it in order.

I guess I could make a joke about Sarah Palin, but it's too fucking easy.

What am I doing today that is vaguely ironic? Answer! I am listening to "The Crow" Soundtrack, because freshman year of high school was just THAT MUCH FUN.

To commemorate it being Friday and all, I made a mixtape of six and one dozen half of my favorite songs, mostly of the indie rock genre. Yeah, some of them are on the smarmy side, but I stand by my choices.


I don't really have a good picture for this, so here's another baby porcupine.

Here is where you download them.

1. Robyn Hitchcock - Madonna of the Wasps
2. Spoon - The Way We Get By
3. Midlake - Roscoe
4. Crooked Fingers - You Can Never Leave
5. R.E.M. - Begin the Begin
6. Wolf Parade - Dear Sons and Daughters of Hungry Ghosts
7. Beck - Earthquake Weather
8. David Bowie - Ashes to Ashes
9. Luna - Astronaut
10. The Decemberists - Sixteen Military Wives
11. Pinback - Fortress
12. Brian Eno - St. Elmo's Fire
13. Talking Heads - Lifetime Piling Up
14. Mew - The Zookeeper's Boy
15. Neutral Milk Hotel - King of Carrot Flowers 2
16. Tapes N' Tapes - Cowbell

Glasses Update! I got some new ones. Same ol' face, though:



My coworker said they make me look very "Mad Men", but I don't know. Man. Speaking of which, did anyone catch last week's episode? That part at the end where Don grabbed that woman's hair and says something like "i will ruin him" was straight-up HOT. Well, I seem to have gone on a television/sex tangent. Notice my new glasses, won't you?

All is not right in the land of the Rock-A-Fire Explosion:



"Wait. Wait for the chorus."
"There's a chorus in this song?"

Today I have decided to take my all-caps rage out on: Netflix.

HOW THE HELL IS YOUR DELIVERY SYSTEM "DOWN"? YOU HAVE ONE SYSTEM, IT IS THAT OF DELIVERY. WHEN IT GOES DOWN, YOUR ENTIRE OPERATION GOES DOWN. ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL ME YOU'VE LOST CONTROL OF YOUR ENTIRE OPERATION? BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE PRETTY IDIOTIC, NETFLIX.

(I don't have cable, so I pretty much depend on Netflix for entertainment purposes.)

I have started a new blog (in addition to this one, obvs.), it's called "Bono Photoshopped into Various Things":

http://bonophotoshop.blogspot.com/

Please spread the news across all appropriate media channels.

"Upon further research, I learned that the "Barbie and the Rockers" tape I thought I used to have was in fact a "Barbie and the Sensations" tape."
"Wow, barbie had two bands?"
"Yeah, barbie and the sensations was later. Barbie's kind of like the Robert Pollard of the plastic doll world."

I was watching season one of Desperate Housewives (via netflix) when my mom called.

"Oh, I've never watched that show. Except I'll catch an episode here and there. Part of an episode, you know."
"I haven't either, I'm just now watching the first season. To catch up."
"I saw some of it the other day and the redhead was doing something nutty. What was that about?"
"I really don't know."



Although I like to think it was this:

Best moment in television history? Quite. Possibly.

Toothpaste for Dinner just crawled right into my head today:

Is anyone else watching Project Runway this season? I know it's suffering from an extreme lack of promotion on the part of Bravo, and also suffering from half the designers being parodies of themselves, but I'll pretty much watch that show in any incarnation. Who do we like? Who do we not like? I needs to chat about this! In other news, the myheritage facial recognition software is telling me that I look like adam ant.

Here is a picture of a baby porcupine contemplating a situation:

Get a Voki now!



This is a pretty majestic program.

Here are some summer tunes, for your remaining summer. Most of them have nothing to do with summer, so it's going to take a certain amount of imagination. Don't let me down. I believe in you.

Download Here

TRACKLISTING!

1. The Dixie Cups - Iko, Iko
2. Flo-rida - In the Ayer
3. Kelley Polar - Magic Dance
4. Beck - Youthless
5. Beta Satan - 666
6. Donovan - Barabajagal
7. Stereo Image - Pack Moves
8. Santogold - Get It Up (Radioclit mix)
9. Vetiver - Swimming Song
10. John Matthias - Blind Lead the Blind
11. The Wet Secrets - Grow Your Own Fucking Moustache, Asshole
12. B-52's - Mesopotamia
13. YACHT - We're Always Waiting
14. Patrick Swayze - She's Like the Wind

Summa!

Big earthquake in Chino.


Chino? Ew.

It's where Mr. Peanut tans.

I just checked my friendster friend page for the first time in many a year. Here are some people that I am friends with:

Moses (from Deerhunter)
Molly Jong-Fast
Pimpbot
Kim Jong-Il
Lotus
Owen
"Dylan Antilog"
The Agenda

I don't know who Lotus and/or Owen are.

If you haven't seen this, please watch it immediately. It is the trailer for the upcoming Oliver Stone epic biopic "W", and it stars some people who play other people:

Oliver Stone really missed an opportunity for some comedy gold by not casting Will Ferrell as W. Actually, he may have some unintentional comedy gold anyways - YOU'RE A BUSH! ACT LIKE ONE! - and also, Karl Rove. C'mon guys, it's going to be like seven seasons of The West Wing crammed into three glorious, heartbreaking hours. Sort of.

jarvis cocker, pitchfork festival oh-eight


ferris wheel, ferris wheel festival oh-something


bridge folk


sir, I would like to have your glasses.






i'm pretty sure everyone takes this picture.


this one, too.


MAXIMUM KAYAKING


you'd better get there early if you want the wing.


giant shiny things are fun.



I did see other acts at Pitchfork, but I was so far back that the pictures just weren't that interesting.

I'm back from Chicago. Every single second was filled with pre-planned activities such as going to a very crowded music festival, teaching a class, and running to avoid sudden downpours. I'm sunburned due to Chicago's very schizophrenic weather patterns, it was cloudy when I left the house I promise. Now I'm redder than I ever get here, here in sunny Las Vegas. I was going to update earlier from the Detroit airport about how there is a monorail(!) in the airport, and how everything in the NWA terminal has Japanese translations for some strange reason. It was not what I was expecting from the Detroit airport. I could write a book an informative pamphlet on domestic airports. It's where I've been living for the last six months. Seems like it? Seems like it. I need some food and maybe some working out, I'm concerned for my sunburn, though.

Pictures to follow, but they are mostly just Jarvis Cocker.

I'm currently listening to a muzak version of "Don't Go Back To Rockville".

I'm not really that big on celebrity news-

-unless there is a diorama involved.

One of my least favorite asshole driver moves is when I am trying to turn right onto a busy street and someone pulls into the left turn lane, completely blocking my view of oncoming traffic and causing me to have to wait to make my turn until this other car does. I'm not entirely sure the other person realizes they are doing it, but you'd think my wild gesticulations would be enough to make them realize that something is up. ANYWAYS. So I just had this move pulled on me at the gym by Carrot Top and his stupid giant white H2 Hummer. (As though looking creepy weren't enough.) HOW TO DESTROY THE EARTH, COMEDY, AND MY DRIVE HOME IN ONE FELL SWOOP.

I'm having some phantom anxiety today, can't pinpoint it, can't alleviate it. I'm wearing a yellow dress from the 80's, a power dress. (I don't wear clothes, I collect them.) Something is wrong, I can't pinpoint it so I'll just drown it out with wine and pilates. Not at the same time. Pilates first, wine after.

Here, I made a Muxtape. It's about feeeeelings. No, no it's not.

Just, FYI: someone is selling cat condos on the sidewalk at the corner of Sahara and Durango. Cat. Condos.

NOOOOOOOOOOcrocsheelsNOOOOOOOO



It was bad enough when these atrocities made their way out of the garden and onto the streets, but now they've added HEELS? Isn't that defeating the purpose?

Last week someone found my blog by searching for the term "crandleberries".

I declare this weather: ridiculous. Hey, let's talk about the weather. (hi, hi, hi) Then let's talk about gas prices. Then let's talk about the weather again. No but seriously folks, I know I hate on American Apparel as much as the next girl not flatchested enough to wear a shiny bandeau top, but the only I've been sporting in 115 degree heat is AA terrycloth track shorts and a thin tank top. And I laze around the house in it! And I go shopping in it! And I go visit friends in it! And I wander around the thick, thick night heat and watch the sprinklers evaporate before they hit the ground. I want to live in a place with higher humidity and lower temperatures, where I don't need a car, I want a dog and I want to name him Wendell Gee.
Don't steal my dog name, you guys.

It's been so uneventful up in here that I think it's causing a rift in the time-space continuum, whereby events are actually sucked up into a different dimension never to be heard from again. Come to my living room and learn about physics, it's a hotbed. I've been watching Nip/Tuck. The second season is pretty intense, although I laughed when I saw Alec Baldwin. It's knee-jerkian.

There were two R.E.M. references in the above entry. Can you find them? It will be fun, like Highlights Magazine (for children).

Two things that are currently kicking my ass:
1. Not smoking.
2. Pilates combined with abs class, being sore the next day more specifically.

Yeah, that's pretty much where my head was today. I need a pain reliever that is also a smoking deterrent, I mean one that is not Vicodin. Who wants to invent that gum. Chemistry, I'm talking to you. I will give you this idea for cheap to free.

Apparently if you search for the word "dehumidifier" on yahoo, this blog comes up fifth. THIS IS HUGE YOU GUYS.

Check out this amazing birthday card:

Plus there was twenty dollars inside, you can't really beat that!

I am going to buy myself a ticket to Chicago and a bottle of Pimms, and call it a self birthday present. And also, a day. I'm not big on all the birthday pressure.

		I will marry Jimmy Carter.
		After a wild honeymoon, We will settle down in A drug den in our fabulous Apartment.
		We will have 8 kid(s) together.
		Our family will zoom around in a black batmobile.
		I will spend my days as a President of Everything, and live happily ever after.