Things to do this weekend:

Make a hat for my art director for her birthday.
Work here at work on work shit.
Go to the gym, twice.
Find a drawing of an owl.



What am I going to do tonight? Vegas? I'm lookin' to you for answers, Vegas.

My new favorite person on television:

Thank you for your time. That is all.

I got a robot.


I made a hat.


I put some old ornaments in a vase.


I decorated with some cracked-out owls.


I got these shoez.


I leaned this pattern up against the wall.


I put these hats in a row.


I took a picture of my clock radio that does not work.


I decorated at work.


And this, too.

Having gotten completely off track with my seven wonders research, I ran across some weird looking fish. I love some weird looking fish. They seem to be everywhere these days don't they. Weird looking fish are the new assymetrical haircut!

the humphead wrasse, it lives in the northern red sea and is a friend to all except like algae and shit like that


the red-lipped batfish, from galapagos, hobbies include tennis and volunteering at the local shelter

Well I guess that's it for right now.

I'm not really one for high-adventure, high-risk, dangerous sort of vacations, but I have been doing some reading-up on the wonders of the world (for work purposes, mind you) and dammit if I don't want to visit Victoria Falls. I mean look at that place. LOOK AT IT. Damn them are some falls.

ps. I would probably end up contracting ebola or that south african aids thats going around down there, with my luck that is.

Ok I am super pissed that I missed this:

PUPPY BOWL II

Watch some clips here.

(don't forget to watch the kitten half time show clip, 78% more entertaining than the stones!)

These aren't as funny as the Chuck Norris ones, but come on it's Jack Freaking Bauer:


If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.

Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.

If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.

Jack Bauers calender goes from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Jack Bauer.

When Kim Bauer lost her virginity, Jack Bauer found it and put it back.

Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.

Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.

If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Jack Bauer says its beef. Then it's f**king beef.

Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.

Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.


When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer f**king hates lemonade.

Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Herion was addicted to Jack Bauer.

Osama bin Laden's recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive.

Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.

Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men.

Jack Bauer once double teamed a girl.......by himself.

Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.

When Jack Bauer was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.

Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time. Wait, that is a real fact.

Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.

When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.

Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.

Jack Bauer won the Tour de France on a unicycle to prove to Lance Armstrong it wasn't a big deal. He thinks yellow wristbands are gay.

When Google can't find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.

Jesus died and rose from the dead in 3 days. It took Jack Bauer less than an hour. And he's done it twice.

When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer.

Jack Bauer can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30.

Guns dont kill people, Jack Bauer kills people.

Every mathematical inequality officially ends with "< Jack Bauer".

In kindergarten, Jack Bauer killed a terrorist for Show and Tell.

If Jack and MacGyver were locked in a room together, Jack would make a bomb out of MacGyver and get out.

If you spell Jack Bauer in a Scrabble game, you win. Forever.

What color is Jack Bauer's blood? Trick question. Jack Bauer does not bleed.

Every time you maturbate Jack Bauer kills a terrorist. Not beacuase you masurbated, but because that is how often he kills terrorists.

When Jack Bauer pissses into the wind, the wind changes direction.

If Jack Bauer was gay, his name would be Chuck Norris.

I kind of wanted to go to a superbowl (or superball as meatwad says) party yesterday but none of my imaginary las vegas friends were throwing one, so instead I opted for shopping. Because I was out of Kiehl's toner. And the only place I could get said toner was the forum shops at Ceaser's Palace, where- because it was a casino first and foremost- they were blasting the superbowl so all the sports book bars could rake in on what is undoubtedly their biggest day of the year.
So I basically heard most of the game in between the thunder and general mayhem of arbitrary statues "coming to life", i.e. bad animatronics I guess, despite all this and the horrible parking situation, they had great stores that I mostly could not afford. Kiehl's, Pucci, Agent Provocateur, and ok when did Bath and Body Works start selling stuff like C.O. Bigelow? I guess I have not been in one since high school, having since discovered sephora and the like.

Shop with this dude!

(I apologize for the relative mundanity of this entry)

Disco Kroger
Crack Kroger
Murder Kroger
Kro-gay

Has anyone named the new-ish Kroger on Moreland yet? And if not I am going to suggest "Partial Birth Abortion Kroger". Just you know, casually throw it into sentences and see if it doesn't stick. "Hey I gotta run and grab some batteries- you think the closest place is partial birth abortion kroger?" or "I like to get my shopping done at 5am because any later and the lines at PBA Kroger get backed up as all hell". I bet it sticks. I bet it totally sticks.

"Partial Birth Abortion Kroger has the freshest motherfucking produce in all the land!"

This post is solely dedicated to this picture of david hassellhoff, as recently found among a reply chain via work email:

SPECIAL VALENTINE UNIT

Last night whilst flipping through channels I happened upon Keifer Sutherland's win at the SAG (that's Screen Actors Guild for you non-union folks) Awards and was totally hoping he would go into some sort of drunken rampage during his acceptance speech but no, alas no.

I only took seven pictures my entire weekend in LA. That's right. Seven. I don't know what's happened to me, I used to be so prolific. Here are some of those seven:

santa monica pier


the worlds most dangerous chair


don't throw bananas on the irate crabs


high-class decor at the viceroy


kid robot kicks


Friday night we went to some hipster dance club at fountain and vine where they played she wants revenge I remember, and I don't remember too much more because the vodka flowed freeeth. Saturday we walked around santa monica and venice beach, where all the dogs wore sweaters and everyone had lost their damn minds. I only bought one thing, a shirt at american apparel which is pretty dumb since we have one here. I don't so much mind LA except can somebody please re-pave I-10 oh my lord.
Ok back to the work.

Stuck with unwanted guests this christmas?

MEET CHRIS "CHRISTMAS" RODRIGUEZ.

COME AND KNOCK ON OUR DOOR

3 names I answer to:

Jill
Sprads
Drosophilia Jones, if you're nasty

3 parts of your heritage:

British
Native American
whatever Dad is (irish?)

3 things that scare me:

flying insects
open heights
keifer sutherland on a bender

3 of your everyday essentials

cigarettes
coffee
cigarettes and coffee

3 things you are wearing right now:

1980's red grandma shirt
jeans of the straight legged sort
This scarf

3 of your favorite songs:

Bowie- Ashes to Ashes
Dandy Warhols- We Used To Be Friends
Of Montreal- So Begins Our Alabee (I guess I wont be going to that show huh)

3 things about the opposite sex that appeal to you:

the correct amount of absurdity
the correct amount of intelligence (smart, not pretentious)
the correct amount of fashion sense (more than a frat boy, less than me)


3 things you want in a relationship (other than real love)

dancing
pizza parties
pizza parties, at which there is dancing

3 of your favorite hobbies

thrift stores
music collecting
photography

3 Places you want to go

Spain for San Fermin
NYC to see all my NYC friends
to bed, at any given moment

3 things you want to do before you die

rule a small country
using force, if necessary
be overthrown in a violent coup

3 ways that you are stereotypically a female/male

too many clothes
too many boys
sephora


2 truths and 1 lie (in any order)

Sandwiches are the best
The Mary Tyler Moore Show is the best
I was Runner of the Year in my running club


Tag Some People
Baby C
Rippy
I dare them to participate.

A few things:
I am driving to LA this weekend and am staying all posh Santa Monica style at the viceroy and also there will be shopping. And Of Montreal the band.
There are new episodes of Tom Goes To The Mayor in March and yay.
The best sandwich is: bread, fake turkey, stuffing, cranberry sauce, mayo

Apparently Disney has aquired the entire Devo back catalogue and formed Dev2.0. Um..ok then...I guess they would look something like...

OH GOD WHY

I didn't take too terribly many pictures in Denver, the ones I did take being mostly Casa Bonita-oriented such as the following:

peso little, get it


secret birthday passage, get it


its a family restaurant, there would be more pics but they wouldn't even let us in without ordering one of their ten dollar ground-beef fiesta meals. oh well.


thrift store hair dryer


missing from the set of general hospital...


roses and fugitive recovery


there was a game here on sunday


wheelchair racer barbie


it snowed, here are my feet


own the sky!

I was going to go see The Squid and The Whale but there was no late showing so instead I saw a movie about my 16th or so favorite Alabaman, Truman Capote. Who would be ranked much higher were he not such a complete ass. Movies about writers make me think I need to work on my (manuscript? canon?) instead of sitting here and watching a movie.
It did have some beautiful extremely long shots concerning the state of Kansas. The movie I mean.

Remember this blog's early days when it often showed up recently published on the blogger front page. Now I guess the internet is too crowded for it's own good.

Every time I get bored I make a mixtape and now through the magic of the internet I can share the mixtape with you.

Here is the tracklist:

My Robot Friend- Problems
Lady Sovereign- Adidas Hoodie
Kick Out The Chairs (Whomadewho rmx)- Munk and James Murphy
The Liars- Mr You're On Fire Mr
Sons and Daughters- Red Reciever
Tuxedomoon- Desire
Victor Lams- Robot Love
Super Furry Animals- Lazer Beam
The New Pornographers- Use It
Minotaur Shock- Vigo Bay
Gordon Thomas- Boogie Dancing
The Eternals- Megasun
Wolf Parade- Dear Sons and Daughters of Hungry Ghosts
Los Rockin' Devils- Perro Lanudo
Love- You Set The Scene
Vivi Bach and Dietmar Schonherr- Molotov Cocktail Party
Dogs Die In Hot Cars- Godhopping
Boyce and Hart- I Wonder What She's Doing Tonight
"Amen" Opening Theme
Henry Mancini- Charade
Je Suis France- Thank You For Being A Friend
JJ Fad- Supersonic
Christopher Walken For Skittles

And here is where you download it.

I don't even have time for the dude who illustrated every single page of "Gravity's Rainbow".

Zak Smith I do not have time for you.

Oh ok I finally found that clip of Moe jumping rope from The Simpsons, and here it is.

Things I learned today while watching Fox News, the only television that was not set to sports, while on the elliptical trainer at 24 Hour Fitness:
-Chile is in the process of electing their first female president. Meaning yet another country is more progressive than us.
-A space capsule containing stardust just landed in an undisclosed location (I imagine cheney catching it) with the aid of several parachutes. It entered the earth's atmosphere at something like 30,000mph and landed with the aid of several parachutes. Titanium parachutes?
-Some kid was able to solve a Rubix cube in less than 11 seconds with one hand tied behind his back. I, meanwhile, have been working on the same one since 1983.
-A homeless man got beat up somewhere.
-An undeniably fox news "weird republican slant" on whats going down in supreme court land.
-I burned 300 calories in one half hour. I need to move into the elliptical trainer.

Ok I just realized that the kid who played "Harold" from Harold and Maude was also in "The Life Aquatic" (playing that weasly accountant guy).

It's like all my favorite movies are running in the same social circle.

Anyways I just spend $700 on a bed. I hate how much of life is consumed by furniture, now my bank account as well. I can't go LA now. I guess I could, actually but wheres the fun in a broke weekend in LA. Nowhere I tell you.

new music!

I made up an inspirational poster:

I hope you all are sufficiently inspired.

In between not-so-extensive research involving feline medical oddities and watching reruns of Roseanne and Fresh Prince, repeat repeat repeat on Nick At Nite I managed to take some pictures:

p.s. I'm pretty sure I am finally getting an i-pod, I have big plans to fill it with Kon Kan's Greatest Hits.

One time I had this very southern American History teacher who tended to make sudden dramatic statements concerning general socioeconomic hardships in this nation's history. Come to think of it he kind of sounded like a slightly more masculine version of Blanche from the Golden Girls, or Blanche Dubois, or probably anyone named Blanche. Every time he said Civil War it came out something to the effect of "Civille Wawar". By far his most memorable statement was AND THEY TORE THE WALLPAPER FROM THE WALLS AND PUT THEM IN THE BOILING POT BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T HAVE ENOUGH TO EAT. I have no idea what it was in reference to, exactly, but it really makes me thankful, mostly that I do not have to teach American History to high schoolers. Because I mean honestly I do not have the required gusto for tragic situations. Obviously.

Girly Things I Have Done Today: cleaned the kitchen, went to sephora, spent $80 at sephora, bought underwear, ate too much ben and jerrys, watched queer eye and project runway, took a birth control pill

Non-Girly Things I Have Done Today: nothing, the above list is all-inclusive.

How did I just watch "The Godfather" all the way through and not realize Diane Keaton was in it until the credits rolled at the end. How did I just watch "The Godfather", that movie is great and I have somehow managed to miss it for 26 years. This plan was a much better plan than leaving the house on a Saturday night, considering last night I vomited in this guy's car going 80 on the interstate. This is what happens when I make a friend- I immediately ruin their upholstery. It's part of my sinister plan for antisocialism. (Outlined by Ayn Rand about 3/5 into "Atlas Shrugged", or I guess it is as I have never made it that far into what strikes me as an overhyped anvil.)
Today: groceries, cleaning, gym
Tomorrow: thrift stores, sephora, cleaning (i think my kitchen is smoking the crack)

hahahahaha I just got put on the Palms account. As in "Party at the Palms". Meaning I have to go take a tour and get some drinks and it is REQUIRED THAT I DO THIS FOR MY JOB. I have managed to combine writing and drinking into a job. If I were getting paid obscene amounts of money this might be the dream.

Anyways I gotta go get my (insert noun here) on.

I finally took some hair pics, here you go:

fluffy:


not as fluffy:


ta-da.

I bought a plane ticket to Denver for later in the month, I like this new jetsetting version of myself. Supposedly I am to meet one of the lads from New Order? I don't know what kind of effect the altitude with have on my dancing abilities. We shall see.
A better portion of the morning was spent in a meeting which I tuned out twenty minutes into. I think I have the adult attention deficit disorder. Everyone was talking at once. Someone said something about "going beyond the silver". Nobody was quite sure what that meant.

--------

So how many girls dumped their boyfriends for you on new years eve?

Actually, one girl did dump her boyfriend for me that night coincidentally. It did take some pressure on my part, but it paid off. Stranger things have happened.

I'm thinking about dumping my boyfriend for you...ok. I just did. This better be worth it.

Oh come on now, you already know its not...

I have this mental picture of you being chased around by the benny hill theme music and like 500 girls. But they're all scenester so it's, ya know. Ironic.

---------

it kind of looks like a sunshine nightmare around here now.

Christo tribute. Still working on the inner-workings i.e. colors. Be on the edges of your collective seats.