n'est pas

Dear Nobel Committee:
I was recently informed by my esteemed colleagues at the research institute of learning and technology (where I do most of my research and technological learning), that the nominees for the seventyth-something Nobel Prize Awards had been announced and lauded. And I must admit, it hurt me. See, I shed a tear because the science category nominee list has one obvious hole and it is the hole that is shaped like me. That's right! Don't think I didn't notice! Fifteen years and fifteen hands without awards. I mean, thirty hands without awards. Or actually I guess it would be fifteen, cause you really only need one hand to hold an award, unless you suffer from the brittle-bones.

Skeletal disorders or no, I'm starting to take it personally, like a smelly guy sitting alone on the bus.

As you can see by looking at your watches, my time has come. It is my turn to find a corner of the sky and bask in the sun! In other words, it is my year to come out the shining victor of science with all the world screaming U.S.A.! For science!
You might be asking yourself why my science is so special and different from, say, Antwerp's science. I will be honest. To explain such differences would require lengthy theoretical equations and a flow chart the likes of which you have never seen. And with today's declining attention span and need for "faster, flashier science" I feel like such an explanation would hinder my extreme victory.
So I will cut it down to the bare exoskeleton (thats a science term for bones) and explain it as thus:
I have set out, and succeeded in proving absolutely nothing. What? Impossible, you say! Well gentlemen, silence your chorus of pshaws and get ready to read, nay devour, just what is possible when you take science to the next level.
My thesis is entitled "The Theory Of Absolute Nothingness". It is a 200-page study on such varied subjects as aquarium fish taco consumption in the winter months, and how to make time zones work for us instead of against us like they have for so many years. As you feast your eyes on page after page of seemingly random word problems (which I have conveiniently solved) and topics which change without the hassle of segue or warning, keep in mind that another ommission is gonna make you guys look pretty foolish in the face of such a science-filled document.

My next project shall involve a resolution of the conflict which has split the Science Community in half for so many years. The great Mr. Wizard vs. Bill Nye debate has gone on long enough. It is time for a definitive answer and next year the answer shall be delivered. There will probably be relay races invovled so you might want to wear something you're not afraid to get dirty.

Best Wishes and Sincerely,

Dehumidifier, PhD (in the Language of Science)

p.s. enclosed is a fruit basket. and fruit flies since I know you guys like those things.

p.p.s. enclosed are some pre-fed fruit flies.