n'est pas

What I Have Been Concentrating On As Of Late, As Alphabetized a la Scarnsworth, (who I keep ripping off- get it? ripping? damn I rock.) In An A to Z Manner, As Per The English Alphabet.

a) Alphabetizing everyday events so I can find them easier in the future, when I might need an event.

b) Betta Fish. I wonder if they call them Betta Fish cause they're still in testing phase...like they're looking to perfect the concept of an aquarium dweller and are still working out the glitches. If I get a third theoretical betta fish I'm gonna name it "Glitch." I do not own fish but I enjoy naming them.

c) Creme brulee ice cream tastes exactly like vanilla ice cream. I'm onto you, Haagen Daaz. You can't trick me with your excessive vowels, I already learned my lesson through the saab. And through the creme brulee ice cream.

d) Doing stuff. Thinking about doing stuff. Other people, and the stuff they do. And refraining from doing stuff that I cannot do, like djing and joining a band. Thinking about how other people should refrain from doing that as well.

e) Expatriatism of the post-election variety. As you all know, I am no fan of Bush. I am voting for Kerry. I think I've made that pretty clear in the past. However, to people who claim that this country is going to go into such shambles (should bush be re-elected) that they are going to leave the country I say go. It will be a good population thinner-outter, cause usually it's the same group of kids that talk a lot about politics without really knowing anything. Another group that needs to go are people who vote solely based on a tax plan, especially if they are voting for tax cuts. If that is the most important issue to you, then you need to rethink your priorities in life. Money is not that important, especially if you have enough to be affected by the cuts. Yeah, I know, it's your money. But there are many many things more important than that, such as lower-income children getting adequate medical care. I know some money gets wasted in red tape, or goes to causes you don't believe in, etc. It's just that casting a vote based on money seems a little...materialistic, I guess.

f) The FrankenFamily! And by that I mean "Frankenfish", "Frankenberry", and "Franken, Al". I am going to pitch this show idea to myself, in my head. It's a dramedy.

g) Glitch the Betta Fish would be trained to fight those tiny plastic scuba divers they put in aquariums. Damn, that would be funny as hell! Fish are so stupid.

h) Holy fuck, the election is incredibly close! Like, uncomfortably close like when a show is sold-out at the echo lounge.

i) I-Pods. I don't know why I considered acquiring one of these. They're just asking for it. Seriously. Once upon a time they were so pricey that the only demographic that could afford one is the same demographic who look rediculous using it, an entire tax bracket jamming out to Zero 7 or something else found on a compilation of songs that Armani Exchange vomited forth in order to sell more "pre-distressed denim legwear." Thank god MINI noticed how much upwardly mobile consumers enjoyed tiny boxes that do stuff cause now this behavior is primarily contained to interstates and advertising agency parking decks. Then either the price dropped or people started putting portable tunes above eating or something cause now everyone with a pocket owns one. Which is awesome because hey, guess what! A shitty music collection is still a shitty music collection even when shrunk down and forced into your head via tiny painful "earbuds". The music does not magically get better when you can walk it to Starbucks. And ordering a coffee drink prefaced with 1500 instructions on milk to espresso ratio while bobbing your head to whichever Franz single came out that week does not make you any less idiotic. Not only does it do the complete opposite, it compounds the idiocy.
Damn. I miss jamboxes.

k) Kountry Kitchens, and when they spell it that way, and what on earth inspired them to spell it that way because it adds nothing remotely charming to the title. Wait, I mean kharming.

l) Lack thereof. Provide your own context.

m) Morrissey ordering a sandwich at a deli I bet would sound a lot like this: swiss cheese, mustard, haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAaaaaam. Because that kid does love some vowels. And some sandwiches I bet.

n) Not actually being into Morrissey. I'm going to see R.E.M. instead, as I have said many times.

o) Ohio! I hear people are having a battleground there of the election variety and alls I have to say about that is:
GET IT TOGETHER, OHIO! YOU DON'T WANT TO BE ANOTHER FLORIDA, DO YOU? WE TOTALLY MADE FUN OF FLORIDA, REMEMBER THAT? LOOK, IT'S A RELATIVELY SIMPLE PROCESS. ALL YOU HAVE TO DO TO AVOID A BATTLEGROUND IS TO PICK A CANDIDATE, NOTING THE SELECTION IN THE APPROPRIATE INSTRUCTED MANNER, WHETHER IT BE FILLING IN A BUBBLE COMPLETELY OR PULLING A LEVER- ACTIONS THAT HAVE BEEN MASTERED BY SECOND GRADERS AND PAVLOV'S DOGS THE WORLD OVER. THESE SELECTIONS WILL THEN BE COUNTED (OR "TALLIED") AND WHOEVER GETS MORE OF THEM IS THE WINNER IN THE STATE OF OHIO. I BELIEVE IN YOU OHIO. I THINK YOU CAN BRING PEACE TO THE ELECTORAL COLLEGE AND A PARTY CAKE TO WHOEVER WINS THE ELECTION.

p) Preemptive strikes against the theoretical and highly illogical. The ACLU had best get their phones out, cause they're gonna hear from me every hour, on the hour. Whenever I get around to that.

q) Quotas. Are you meeting yours?

r) the o'Reilly chronicles. A laugh a second, especially when I see a newscaster reading from it on tv. As nauseating as the entire document is, it's still better literature than Anais Nin. Who, along with Bukowski, is quite overrated.

s) Stamps. I need to get some.

t) Twos. And by that I mean people in relationships. Seriously, who do they think they're kidding?

u) "Underconstructionalism: A Study in Fragments". I am trying to develop a concise school of thought based on the above thesis title, which was wrote by yours truly. It is not going at all as planned. That is to say, it's not going. So far I have a title.

v) Vincent Gallo. Actually, I take that back. I have not been thinking about him at all, or ever really. I have no opinion or damn thing to say about him one way or the other. Which I bet just sticks in his craw, if he has a craw. I would find out about his craw situation, except as mentioned earlier, I don't give a shit.

w) Willard Scott. I hope one day he actually reads his own name off the Smuckers "Rediculously Old People's Birthday List" and proceeds to expire the same day. I know it's not good to wish someone death, but he would be 114 years old, which is just stupid old. Plus he's really annoying.

ecks) "Ecks vs. Sever vs. Frankenfish." I'd go see that.

y) Y is sometimes a vowel. What it does the rest of the time, god knows. Up to no good, I bet. I know it was singlehandedly responsible for confusing an entire generation of preschoolers with it's appearance as the "sexually ambiguous" character on a very special episode of "The Letter People."

z) Zoobooks. I think I am going to get a subscription, because there is still no better source for montly, up-to-date information about what's going on in the animal kingdom. Which is now technically an "Animal Oligarchy."