n'est pas

AIM Chats re-imagined with fictional character names, while scarcely altering the original text, all at the same time!
Part One

DDiver: wtf?
Lady Brett: I was on the phone
Lady Brett: so I didn't want to be like- hold on, i gotta kick some ass
Lady Brett: yeah and the rest of the night too
Lady Brett: so I’m a little hesitant about the lake thing
DDiver: well, I would not want to invite him to the lake
DDiver: if I were yoi
Lady Brett: no lake for you
DDiver: *you
DDiver: as long as I can take the speedboat and make it back to work by 10am, then I can go.
Lady Brett: ha.
DDiver: 100 nautical mph!!
Lady Brett: james bond speedboat on land style
DDiver: hahaa
Lady Brett: I hate this part of the lake house trip
DDiver: the part where you have no idea how you will get there?
Lady Brett: yeah
Lady Brett: the part where I am not there
Lady Brett: I was thinking-
Lady Brett: you should open an East Egg Diner
DDiver: yes!
DDiver: and do it right
Lady Brett: where you can get eggs poached, florentine or facedown in the pool.
DDiver: and run the west egg diner out of business!
Lady Brett: hah
DDiver: hooray!
Lady Brett: right across the street
DDiver: it'll be an all out war
Lady Brett: put a giant green light on top
DDiver: front page of the food section in creative loafing
DDiver: yes!
DDiver: the wait staff will wear all white tennis gear
DDiver: some will dress in golf attire
DDiver: a la jordan baker
Lady Brett: fitzgerald would be so proud
DDiver: headline:
DDiver: WEST EGG DINER DECLARES BANKRUPTCY
Lady Brett: and then down the street someone opens up "Tender is the Sirloin"
DDiver: EAST EGG DINER A SHOCKING SUCCESS STORY
Lady Brett: hah
DDiver: yep
DDiver: wait, would i open that too?
Lady Brett: it will be the most esoteric theme restaurant street ever!
Lady Brett: if you want
DDiver: or would i have to open something called "the beautiful & the damned" to run that place out of business
Lady Brett: "the tender sirloin and the tenderer sirloin?"
DDiver: "hello young man! what do you do for a living?"
DDiver: "why, i pick restaurants that think they're hot shit and i start up a better restaurant and run them the fuck out of business!"
Lady Brett: ok now you're in a whole ayn rand area
DDiver: "you may remember a little restaurant called fellinis. you don't? maybe that's because i ran them the fuck out of business with a restaurant that has a clever name that i cannot think of right this moment!"
DDiver: "oh yes!”
Lady Brett: rossellini's!
DDiver: yes!
Lady Brett: haha
DDiver: man, this is such a good idea!
Lady Brett: yeah you just need a shitload of money!
DDiver: no problem
DDiver: i'll worry about that later when the bills arrive
Lady Brett: i hear if you dj at mjq you get a shit load of money!
DDiver: 1.start djing at mjq
DDiver: 2.make shit-ton of money
DDiver: 3.build awesome restaurant and run other restaurant out of business
Lady Brett: that sounds fool proof
DDiver: 4.laugh as the owners of the other restaurant are forced to live in the gutter
Lady Brett: it all comes full circle
Lady Brett: watery death.
DDiver: will i have to kill someone to get the dj job?
Lady Brett: no
Lady Brett: the lake does all the dirty work
DDiver: that's a pretty good deal
Lady Brett: it even cleans up its own messes, so the lake only runs red for like a second
DDiver: haha
Lady Brett: oh the lake
DDiver: you gotta go
Lady Brett: but how, man! HOW!
DDiver: only god knows
Lady Brett: you should open a better lake across the street
DDiver: what do i look like, a genius? no, i don't.
Lady Brett: no that would be me did you see that better lake idea?
DDiver: hell, i'll just open up a lake in atlanta period! watch the ca$h roll in
Lady Brett: open a wave pool
DDiver: haha
DDiver: in east atlanta
Lady Brett: how odd
DDiver: no one goes to east atlanta enough
Lady Brett: that sounds like a dream i would have
DDiver: really?
DDiver a wave pool in east atlanta?
Lady Brett: yeah my dreams are never good or bad just odd
Lady Brett: like shit where it shouldn't be...a wave pool in east atl
DDiver: right
Lady Brett: even my subconcious is disorganized
DDiver: i have dreams like that, but in my dreams for some reason the wave pool being in east atlanta would be evil and i would be terrified of it
Lady Brett: haha
DDiver: and wake up soaked with sweat
Lady Brett: bodies of water...gotta watch out for em
DDiver: the horror!
Lady Brett: you probably should not have called it "Wave Pool Bloodbath!"
DDiver: haha
DDiver: "east egg bloodbath cafe"
Lady Brett: everything served raw. extra raw.
DDiver: raw toast
Lady Brett: one mound of flour coming up
Lady Brett: raw raw bars
DDiver: yes
Lady Brett: i have a cake here waiting to be transported to the lake
Lady Brett: cake of the lake
Lady Brett: so yeah no lake or cake
DDiver: it's not gonna happen?
Lady Brett: only if Dedalus returns my call
Lady Brett: i just talked to the lake
Lady Brett: (mamadalloway called me last night from the lake house and i entered it as "lake")
DDiver: what did the lake say?
Lady Brett: that people were in a speedboat on it
DDiver: did it say that it looked like the people were having fun on it?
Lady Brett: yes...until it as every other body of water turns to the dark side and begins the massacre
DDiver: it always starts out friendly. luring people onto itself with a smile and a wave
Lady Brett: that is the ocean
DDiver: oh yeah
Lady Brett: if you are going to do bad puns at least get the facts right
DDiver: with a smile and a freshwater fish like a catfish or a crappy jumping out of it
Lady Brett: haha
DDiver: sorry about the pun
Lady Brett: crappies!
DDiver: what a fish!
DDiver: Gregorovius is always talking about a kind of fish called "shad"
DDiver: and i like that name too.
DDiver: think of all the crappy you could catch if you went to the lake today!
Lady Brett: before my death?
Lady Brett: my watery death?
DDiver: yes!
DDiver: the lake will let you catch a "mess of crappy" first
Lady Brett: and then you notice amongst the mess of crappy...an arm!
DDiver: OH MY GOD
DDiver: have you ever eaten one?
Lady Brett: no
Lady Brett: an arm?
Lady Brett: no
DDiver: one sec
Lady Brett: ok
DDiver: once i had a salad from carrol st and it had anchovies in it
DDiver: i was unaware of this
DDiver: i ate one thought it was an onion
Lady Brett: not listed under "ingrediants?"
Lady Brett: i wonder if anchovies are packaged in anchovia...
DDiver: then when i got to the bottom of the salad and saw another one, i thought it was a slug
DDiver: and thought i was going to vomit
DDiver: then i realized it was an anchovie when i read the ingredients
DDiver: i bet they are
Lady Brett: oh that one was.
Lady Brett: a slug...its a mixed bottomfeeder salad
Lady Brett: all your responses are being spat out in fives...as thow you are vomiting them all over this here AIM
Lady Brett: thow?
Lady Brett: what the hell is wrong with me?