n'est pas

In The Year 2000 (from conan)

"Sales of Hersheys kisses will plummet when the kisses start slipping people some tongue."

"Ruben Studdard will announce that in order to lose weight he has gotten his stomach stapled. Unfortunately the staples are made of pure Canadian bacon."

"An English major will break up with her boyfriend. She will make him feel better by assuring him, 'It's not you, it's I.'"

"Federal investigators will bust into Barry Bonds' house. Just as the slugger is opening a bottle of steroids. Bonds will evade arrest however, by tossing the bottle a thousand miles into space."

"Adidas will make a $250 sneaker equipped with a computer. The sneaker will be so smart it will make fun of you for wasting $250 on a sneaker."

"Men everywhere will find it easier to quit smoking when the nicotine patch is replaced by the far more effective nicotine hooker."

"Historians will discover Julius Ceaser's last words were not 'et tu Brute' but rather 'Not in the crotch! Not in the crotch!'"

"Twenty years after the series ended, the Friends cast will reunite for a special reunion show- everyone will participate except Mexican dictator, Matt LeBlanc."

"Even gays will object to gay marriage when James Lipton marries Ice-T simply to become James Lipton Ice-T."

"Batman will admit that he's gay. Clay Aiken will admit that he's Batman."

"After being convicted, Michael Jackson escapes from prison disguised as a black man who likes grownups."

"Parents will no longer let their kids watch SpongeBob SquarePants, when it's revealed that SpongeBob once worked as a female contraceptive."

"Major-league baseball will finally crack down on steroids, Barry Bonds will again lead the Majors in homeruns with 3."

"After being criticized for killing hundreds of semi-domesticated pheasants on their last hunting trip, Dick Chaney and Antonin Scalia will take up fishing. Their first grenade kills 300 fish."

Clay Aiken will clear up all the uncertainty about his sexual preference when he releases his next album, 'I'm Aiken for Men.'"

"In an effort to appear more youthful and smooth faced, John Kerry will announce his running mate - Clint Eastwood."

"President Bush will throw out the first pitch at the St. Louis Cardinals opening game. Bush will then pitch the rest of the game, when he insists that replacing him now would send the wrong message to our enemies."

"Police will accuse Woody Allen of being a mass murderer, and adding insult to injury, they will tell him they prefer his earlier, funnier, murderers. "

"A law will be passed allowing women to kill one ex-boyfriend with no consequences. Longhaired base-players named Steve will be wiped off the face of the earth."

"Michael Jackson dies and leaves his body to science; specifically, to an all boys 7th grade science class."

"The WB will air a hip hop version of the Bachelorette; it will be called, 'The Beotchelorette'."

"With the release of Mel Gibson's 'The Passion of the Christ' the suffering of Jesus will finally be seen the way God intended, in air-conditioned comfort with nachos and a cherry coke."

"Birds will admit that the only reason they fly to warmer climates in the winter is to follow Jimmy Buffet."

"Ruben Stutter will lose 200 pounds when he misplaces his 200 pound bag of bacon."

"Sales of Rice Krispies will plummet when 'Snap,' 'Crackle,' and 'Pop' are replaced by 'Pimp,' 'Hoe,' and 'Skanky'."

"Gay men will not be allowed to marry each other, but will still be welcome to marry Liza Minelli."

"The New York Yankees will win the World Series, but they will be disguised as Houston Astros."

"Pete Rose goes on national television to admit for the first time that he bet on the Reds. Not the Cincinnati Reds, he bet that the Soviets would win the Cold War."

"Taking a cue from George Foreman, Al Sharpton will develop his own grill that actually shames and bullies the food into getting more brown."

"Coffee producers will no longer advertise that their coffee beans are hand-picked by Juan Valdez when it's discovered that Juan also hand-picks his recurring cold sore."

"Americans will be enthralled when 'Survivor' joins forces with 'The Apprentice' and 16 people see how long they can look at Donald Trump's haircut without laughing."

"Kids with gay parents will get their first classic children's book when Dr.Seuss' 'Hop on Pop' is updated and retitled 'Chad on Dad.'"

"The owner of 'Hooters' will open a far less successful restaurant, 'Saggers'."

"J. Lo will get over the big J Blow, and she'll J grow. But she'll J know, it's best to J go with the J flow, she'll get a new J Glow, and put on a new J show, but America won't J give a rat's ass."

"On the VMA awards Britney Spears and Madonna again imitate lesbians- this time not by kissing, but by fixing the transmission on a Chevy pick up."

"The cast of 'Queer Eye for the Straight Guy' will change its name from the 'Fab Five' back to their original name, 'N Sync.'"

"The Chicago Cubs and Boston Red Sox will meet in the World Series up in the bleachers where they'll have a great view of the Yankees and Braves."

"The recording artist once named Pink will be called 'Beige' when people realize that that's the color you get when you mix her name with the crap she records."

"Thanks to advances in automation, Nike shoes will be made by robots. Unfortunately, the robots will be made by children in Malaysia."

"We will at last have definitive proof that Jesus is the Son of God when Jesus borrows and wrecks God's Chevy Cavalier."

"A man with a bulge in his crotch will be asked by his girlfriend if he has a banana in his pocket or if he's just happy to see her. In fact, he will both be happy to see her and have a banana in his pocket. From that point on, men with bulges will be asked "Is that a banana in your pocket and/or are you happy to see me?""

"Ancient scrolls will reveal that Noah originally planned on bringing three of each species on his ark; not to save them from the flood but just to see if any of the animals were into that kind of thing."

"Anna Nicole Smith will team up with the makers of Altoids Mints to introduce their newest flavor, Winter Bacon."

"Freedom fries and freedom toast go back to being French fries and French toast when oil is discovered just outside Paris."

"After Celine Dion begins a 3 year contract show in Las Vegas, the U.S. government announces that it plans on resuming nuclear testing in Nevada."

"The legend of Johnny Appleseed will be tarnished, when it is revealed that he only planted apple trees to hide his marijuana crop."

"Violence in the music business will reach a new peak, when rapper 50 cent is cut into quarters."

"Michael Moore will protest the war in Iraq by going on a hunger strike. No one will notice for the first fifteen years."

"Corn on the cob will be viciously mugged by corn on the crack pipe."

"When it is discovered that it takes exactly 437 licks to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop, it will be announced that science is officially over."

"A black man will be elected President of the United States. I'm sorry, that's in the year 10,000."

"Terrorism experts will reveal that dirty bombs are just regular bombs that just enjoy sleeping with high school chicks."

"Robots will do all of our dull, repetetive tasks like washing dishes and marrying J Lo."

"Louis Anderson publicly converts to atheism when for the third day in a row his bag of Cheetos gets stuck on a vending machine."

"The answer to the question 'is there life after death' will finally be answered when the corpse of Winston Churchill holds a press conference and says 'no'."

"Sales of Izod shirts will decline dramatically, when it is revealed the alligator has a small child in it's mouth."

"The French Riviera will be completely abandoned after its name is changed to The Geraldo Riviera."

"The New York Knicks and N' Sync will sue each other, each claiming it was their idea to be five guys who suck."

"In an effort to make it more exciting, Daylight Savings Time will be renamed Daylight Awesome Time."

"The Lord Almighty will descend from the heavens to inform the world of the eleventh commandment. 'Thou shalt stop acting like a jerk and return my Hives cd Barry'."

"Babies will reveal that goo goo and ga ga will is actually baby speak for 'I love the films of Dolph Lundgren'."

"For the first time in our nation's history African-Americans will ask to be called 'Africans' in an effort to completely distance themselves from the show 'American Idol'."

"Hundreds of teens will turn gay after they try to imitate scenes from 'Jackass' the musical."

"Thousands of senior citizens touring New England this fall will be shot when the autumn leaves refuse to change colors, but instead stand by the side of the road and make farting noises."

"Rather than waste time with an office visit, Christina Aguilera will send her gynecologist a copy of her latest video."

"Pope John Paul II will finally allow priests to get married, but only to him."

"On the final episode of Late Night with Conan O' Brien, Conan will pull off his toupeé completely shocking his viewer."

"Justin Timberlake and American Idol's Justin Guarini will join forces on a hit single entitled 'Just Intolerable'."

"Liza Minelli and her husband will indeed adopt a baby, however people will begin assuming it is their biological child when the baby begins popping tranquilizers in gay bars."

"After getting engaged, P Diddy will try to protect his fortune by getting his fianceé to sign a pre-nuptial agreement, or 'pre-nup'. This ordinary legal transaction will from then on always be known as a 'p re-nup iddy'."

"Players will play, but umpires will strike leaving baseball games up to the honor system. While cheating rampantly, the Mets will still lose 100 games."

"Bandits will attack Queen Elizabeth. To save her life she will have to call on the knights sworn to defend her-Elton John, Mick Jagger and Paul McCartney."

"After their recent appearance on the MTV Video Music Awards, Guns 'n Roses will be forced to change their name to 'Chubby McGoo and the guys who aren't Slash'."

"Due to the success of the 'Anna Nicole Smith' show, the E! network creates a similar program starring a bloated body found in the east river."

"Every one in the world will suddenly turn into roast beef sandwiches. All the trees and buildings will turn into cakes and cookies. Then, Pavarotti will wake up."

"A charter plane carrying a soccer team will crash in the Andes, and even though there is plenty of food available, the survivors will resort to cannibalism to stay on the Atkins diet."

"God will announce that he will at last reveal himself to mankind at a huge stadium show in New Jersey. Unfortunately, everyone leaves during God's opening act, John Cafferty and the Beaver Brown band."

"Clouds will not simply retain water but also bitch at their boyfriends."

"The congressional channel C-SPAN will be bought out by The Playboy Channel. From then on all floor debates will consist of senators playfully spraying each other as they wash a Corvette."

"Yassar Arafat is forced back into his compound. This time because he won't stop singing Pink's Get This Party Started."

"In an effort to be more appealing the flu will change it's name to 'THe Flumeister'."

" Huey Lewis and the News will form a Huey Lewis and the News tribute band, just to prove that someone might actually do that."

"Tony Danza will refuse to play any more characters named 'Tony.' The first role he gets after making this announcement: a bartender named 'Doug Danza.'"

"Animal experts will discover that the reason mountain goats live in the mountains is that they can get drunk faster."

"Already reeling from the ongoing sex scandal, the Catholic Church will lose millions more followers, when Pope John Paul II appears on his balcony wearing acid-washed jeans."

"The expression 'time will tell' will be proven invalid, when time refuses to tell what happened after it walked Debbie home from that party."

"Mr. T has a son that he names after himself. To avoid confusion the boy is known as Mr. Lowercase T."

"Michael Jackson's son, Prince Michael II will write a memoir in which he wistfully recalls that one glorious moment on the balcony when he nearly escaped."

"Christian fundamentalists will briefly reconsider their views on homosexuality when they find a bunch of misprinted bibles, that actually do say 'Adam and Steve.'"

"UN weapons inspectors in Iraq will make a most horrific discovery beneath one of Saddam's palaces. Master tapes for a new Spin Doctors album."

"The world will bid a fond farewell to one of its favorite and most beloved entertainers when Bill Maher gets drunk at a party, gets behind the wheel of his car, and runs over Angela Lansbury."

"We will finally learn what makes French vanilla ice cream different from regular vanilla ice cream- cowardice."

"Chemists will discover what makes simple sugars simple. Their parents were brother and sister."

"People will automatically smile for pictures when photographers develop a flash that emits not only a sudden burst of light, but also the sound of Barbra Streisand being mauled by a bear."

"The American bald eagle will try to make up for it's baldness by buying a Porsche, and offering female eagles cocaine."

"Tonya Harding will square off against her toughest opponent yet- a book."

"Instead of saying 'thank you' the polite response to the comment 'you have something stuck on your tooth' will be 'I can't believe I ate all those old people.'"

"After watching the riveting new Jodie Foster film, upper-middle class families across the nation will build panic rooms. Those in the lower-middle class will have to settle for spaz cabinets."

"'Sesame Street's' Bert and Ernie will continue to deny that they have a romantic relationship; but will admit that one night after one too many beers they did bump felt a little."

"Halle Berry will break down yet another cultural barrier when she becomes the first African-American woman to buy a Gordon Lightfoot album."

"The Israelis and the Palestinians will finally stop fighting when they realize they both find Louie Anderson slightly depressing."

"It will be discovered that chicken soup does not stop colds, except for colds in the chickens that were brutally slaughtered to make the soup."

"After Keith Richards goes to a dermatologist because of a strange fuzz growing on his face, it will be determined that a Rolling Stone can indeed gather moss."

"In an inspiring interview Madonna will reveal how by dedicating ourselves to motherhood, meditation and spirituality we can all one day appear in an ad campaign for 'The Gap.'"

"Cookie lovers all over the world will be horrified when Oreo reveals that the stuff in their doublestuft oreos is a substance scraped off of Mickey Rourke."

"Marijuana will still be illegal except for medicinal purposes. However medicinal purposes will be expanded to include getting wasted in hospital parking lots."