n'est pas

In the spirit of bandwagon jumping...blog dehumidifier proudly presents:

HOW TO GET LAID THIS TIME NEXT YEAR, WHICH IS IN THE FUTURE!
A step-by-step guide in a ten-step arrangement.

1. First picture yourself this time next year. If you see that you have gained a noticeably large amount of weight and/or see your face covered in the orange cheeto stain, or if you see yourself after having survived a horribly disfiguring accident you probably will not get laid. Not then, anyways. It will take time for your potential mate to warm up to the idea of getting freaky with the victim of a "remote-controlled lawnmower incident" or a "giant pudding refinery incident." But we are talking about the here and now that will be there and then one year from now, and in the future the facts are hard!
2. If you see yourself in such position that a pudding refinery accident would be feasable, you had best give up as well.
3. Ok now that we have thinned the population down to the hookupable it's time to get down and dirty but wait! What about those people who live on a space station? They can't get down OR dirty. Because in space there is no gravity by which to pull you down to the dirt below. And by "those people who live on the space station" I of course mean everyone. Because it is the future goddamnit and according to EPCOT scientists the future is nothing but space. And robots.
4. DO NOT ATTEMPT TO HOOK UP WITH A ROBOT! THEY WILL KILL YOU! AND EVERYONE KNOWS THAT WILL SMITH EXPLODED UPON RE-ENTRY SO DON'T EXPECT HIM TO SAVE YOUR ASS!
5. Say you are in the space station Mir, Mir II, or Mir III (the final frontmir) and you are lounging around in the futuristic CQ-looking bar. You soon realize that you are surrounded by communists, and that communists are usually waiting in line three days for bread. You, my friend, need to get some bread. And that is not a metaphor for money, you need to go down to the spacekroger like the good capitalist you are and buy a loaf of rye because that is your ticket to lovin at least in this neck of the milky way!
6. If I happen to be in your space station I do not like rye. Keep that in mind.
7. Two words: de-pressurize.
8. Again, there is no gravity in space. Meaning big hair is going to get even bigger so use product if you want to avoid looking like some outerspace version of smoky and the bandit.
9. There are a number of brilliant people on the space station that are incredibly essential to the future of humanity, constantly conducting experiments and running tests so as to ensure our contunuing existance, and then there are the people you will actually want to sleep with. Don't get so liquored up that you can't tell the difference otherwise you might be subjected to a two hour postcoital lecture on quantum metaphysics.
10. Remember that in space, getting laid also means running the risk of exploding, especially those quickie "spacewalk nooners." Space is a vacuum. Not the good kind, the kind that makes you explode when you are just trying to get a piece. I mean, come on space. What the hell is your problem? You're just out there being all infinite and shit...We're just a couple of kids trying to have a good time. I mean, seriously. Damn.