n'est pas

Last night I did exactly what I set out to do which was to have one drink and no more and then to leave without making any further plans. This was the date I had planned with me, and I have so little planned these days that every time I leave the house it is like a field day for the senses, we go on a field day to the gas station and then- And so I went to the bar and ordered my drink and walked in circles and then talked to just one guy for the remaining hour and never made it to the dance floor and never made it past the bar really. I was talking to this one guy and I was also playing this one strange solitary mindgame, something that stems from last year and the way everyone was last year and I guess in order for it to really work it would actually have to be last year.
It is true I guess, a generalization but pathetically true that they only stare at you from way over there if you are with this one other boy. In order to create complete accuracy in this particular situation I would have to repeat the aforementioned 45 million times with someone different each time. It's both overwhelming and rediculously silly, and made me want to run to ground level and to the car and to the stoplights where I was able to focus on where my head kept drifting.
And so I said goodnight I am going home and all the way I followed some loose ends that still seem just out of reach, The weather made them fuzzy, the fuzzy ends and it's a good thing I have lost all concept of time in the day/night sense otherwise the expanse I am measuring in cigarettes and sentences would collect in my throat and make me say I don't want to move, maybe this place will crash and that would be fine.
I know I am so tired because the edges are even blurrier than usual and soon I think they start dancing.