n'est pas

My weekend, in the form of "list" which starts somewhat chronological but then begins to meander- finally ending up exactly where I started, which is sitting at this goddamn computer:

-seven am wakeup call wakeup you're in the middle of the country and in the middle of the country everyone wakes up in the single digits, everyone is decent hardworking people, everyone is nice but as flat as the terrian i think

-morning at the agency, dull context, moving right along.

-tiny jet to minneapolis but at least i had two seats because I not only wanted to lounge but I wanted to do so with my omnipresent infinite jest, the writing is something i might be in love with, it's like that when two words are back to back so perfect, even more so when they are back to back to back to back for 1000+ pages.

-I have a crush on one of the characters but it's only because i think he is sad, hmm...

-THE MINNNEAPOLIS AIRPORT CAN SUCK IT. MOVING SIDEWALKS ARE NO GOOD IF THEY CEASE TO MOVE AND ARE ONLY SIDEWALKS. I AM NOW PLACING THIS LAYOVER DOWN IN THE ST LOUIS SHITPILE WHO COME TO THINK OF IT HAD NONMOVING-MOVING SIDEWALKS TOO.

-I did not feel at all mary tyler moore it was quite dissappointing because I was even wearing a hat! (which I did actually drop on the escalator by accident, i always was a bit more rhoda so..)

-I had National Lampoon's Two-Hour Flight Home as scored by my attempts to drown out loud crass midwestern brewery-smelling men acting half their age, staring out the window blasting guero. Da Beck!

-I think there was something between then and the next day but I did not make notes so (blank space).

-I was still in Friday night on Saturday morning and like I said before it was spring last year again, extreme savings time? No, just still being out at 7am and then the pauses and then there is the kind of sex where you are both in it for the wrong reasons and you both know this and don't say much about how our year has been because look at what is going on. Doesn't that say enough, I think it does so I leave without saying a word walking a fine line out into an unforgiving amount of busy. I somehow think that pulling my hair back will fool everyone into thinking this is clearly my saturday afternoon outfit, that I would happily join a dressed down world wearing that kind of mascara that requires steel wool to remove.

-The cigarette/whiskey/outallnightbodyfunk combined with either the faint smell of a dryer sheet or lingering cologne will forever remind me of sex, it's always a variation on the same smell and does it make me a terrible person because obviously there should be some sort of buffer between a breakup and rebound.

-But to be honest I thought it was at least days but when I heard more like hours I felt bad but not for what happened. I felt bad because I didn't feel anything at all one way or another because last year was still at least fun if nothing else but this year is not much more than letting time pass around me, something to do with the jetstream I guess.

-Oh and then (I mean just now actually) I felt immature and stupid and I know this year I am whining ad nauseum. Big fucking deal it's paradigms not lifestyles you do not know how happy I was at the end of 2004, or how high the plateau looks from down here I am going to close my eyes and try not to think about it.

-NO MORE PRESTENSE NO MORE BIG WORDS BECAUSE I AM PLAYING IT COOL AND THAT MEANS THAT I HAVE TO LOOK LIKE I DON'T CARE. AND ALSO, LIKE I CAN'T PERFORM HIGHER BRAIN FUNCTIONS. LIKE SHUTTING OFF THE CAPS LOCK.

-I spent Saturday doing nothing of note except some evening family time, my dad and co. so it was all very laid back. I said yes I would love to move to Hawaii and of course it would be great should it really happen and for the first time actually believed it might be.

-This Sunday I am thinking of last Sunday, when I washed the towels to take a shower and the sheets to fill the load, the bed i think smells like dryer sheets I do not know because I accidenly fell asleep on the couch and ran out because I could not believe how time can catch up so cruelly. So I ran out and I was so embarrased because doing nice things is what you do when you want to look like a parasite.

-And yeah sometimes my memory seems too shot to remember to get everything as i go from place to place, is it the welcome sign the tolerated sign or not even bothering to smoke one fucking cigarette, say two words or turn around to say more than stop at the end of the porch you are not allowed god yeah i know.

-Next week I am going to focus on: moving through geography. And not on: moving through time.

-I guess physics just did not teach me enough to do that maybe I should have focused more on history and how we repeat it and repeat it until we are just worn out, watered-down versions of "us". This is horrible high-school poetry/pretense jesus christ why the fuck can't I just say that I am sad. About so many things. And that this is now and it will change. But it's a journal and this is now.

-Sunday night what can you do (besides look back over what you wrote and wince because you want to slap whoever wrote such a steaming pile of emo-kid vomit. cybil? cybil? cybil the movie not the sticom was on earlier but just as background voices, how appropriate)

-Oh and my stepsister bought a hamster and named is Sarah Jessica and it runs around the house in a rubber ball like in "Gattaca" except smaller and more surreal.

-Oh and I am hungry now. Mood: hungry now.

-If you need me I will be saying something that sounds like a plan, but it's really just a list full of big words that say nothing whatsoever.

-Note to self: pick up prescription in morning.